In general, the vast majority of people who have commented on my weight loss have been very positive and complimentary. And who doesn't love a compliment, right? But two people have made comments that I'm still obsessing over.
"Congratulations...I hope you keep it off." WTF!!!???
When someone gets a job, do you say, "Congratulations, I hope you don't get fired."
Or at a wedding, "Congratulations, I hope you don't get divorced."
Or running a marathon, "Congratulations, I hope you finish."
Yes, keeping the weight off will take focus and a commitment. This isn't a magic pill and I will always need to work at it. Just like work and marriage and pretty much anything else positive it life.
Ok, rant over.
Saturday, December 5, 2015
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Trending down
Geesh, it's been 5 weeks since I posted.
I had a big stall back mid-November, but just tried to stick with the protein, water, vitamins routine and was able to power through.
The trip to Ireland for Thanksgiving was kind of stressful, but again, I focused on protein, brought turkey jerky with me for snacks, and just did the best I could. I did eat way more sugar than I usually would, but also walked a lot more than usual, so ended up losing 1 lb on the trip. :)
I'm at 56lbs as of today, which I'm totally fine with. I keep reminding myself that my goal was to lose 50 by xmas, so if I can get to 60 by then, I will be really happy.
And I'm really trying to focus on the little things that remind me that my body is changing. In Ireland, I went one day to the same bar I had gone to on my trip in 2013 (O'Neils, great pub in Maynooth center.) Well, the last time I went, the chair was very uncomfortably tight on my butt & thighs (lovely visual, I know.) This time, I sat right down with room to spare. I hadn't even thought about it till I sat down, and then I was like, "Hey! Wow! This is great!" So that was nice.
The other thing was when I went to get dressed for work yesterday. These are my wide-width boots that I bought a few years ago. They were too big last month too, but now I can fit my entire hand in. So apparently my weight loss is everywhere, which is pretty cool.
I really should start walking more to try and speed up the loss...let's see if I can focus on that this month! I just ordered a fitbit (yay Jen, fitbit, yay!), so that should help motivate me - though I will never, ever come close to Jen or Christin!!
I had a big stall back mid-November, but just tried to stick with the protein, water, vitamins routine and was able to power through.
The trip to Ireland for Thanksgiving was kind of stressful, but again, I focused on protein, brought turkey jerky with me for snacks, and just did the best I could. I did eat way more sugar than I usually would, but also walked a lot more than usual, so ended up losing 1 lb on the trip. :)
I'm at 56lbs as of today, which I'm totally fine with. I keep reminding myself that my goal was to lose 50 by xmas, so if I can get to 60 by then, I will be really happy.
And I'm really trying to focus on the little things that remind me that my body is changing. In Ireland, I went one day to the same bar I had gone to on my trip in 2013 (O'Neils, great pub in Maynooth center.) Well, the last time I went, the chair was very uncomfortably tight on my butt & thighs (lovely visual, I know.) This time, I sat right down with room to spare. I hadn't even thought about it till I sat down, and then I was like, "Hey! Wow! This is great!" So that was nice.
The other thing was when I went to get dressed for work yesterday. These are my wide-width boots that I bought a few years ago. They were too big last month too, but now I can fit my entire hand in. So apparently my weight loss is everywhere, which is pretty cool.
I am so glad I had the surgery and would highly recommend it to anyone. My only wish is that I had done it sooner. I'd like to lose 24 more lbs (80lbs total), which will put me in size 12 clothes. I really should start walking more to try and speed up the loss...let's see if I can focus on that this month! I just ordered a fitbit (yay Jen, fitbit, yay!), so that should help motivate me - though I will never, ever come close to Jen or Christin!!
Thursday, October 8, 2015
50 lbs!
Huge milestone today! 50lbs down in just over 4 months. WOW.
That's the equivalent of 2 car tires. Or a bag of potatoes. Or 10 bags of sugar. Or two toddlers. A medium size dog. TSA luggage maximum for checked luggage is 50 pounds.
I've been trying not to have goals of X pounds by X date, just taking it day by day, but in the back of my mind I was hoping/thinking 50 by end of 2015 and 80 by end of February. So far so good!
Yesterday I put on my boots to wear with a dress, zipped them up, and the calves are too big! These are wide-width calf boots (probably shocking to Jen that such a thing exists), and now they are too big. I mean, I can wear them, but I can also fit my whole hand inside rather than having them snug when zipping them up. Yay.
I also think of Jen when I eat now (Hi Jen!) Not that I try to eat like Jen, but I find that I do eat like Jen. Yesterday I had lunch with a donor, had a chop salad with salmon, and was done and still had half left, so took it home. The woman I was with finished hers till her plate was clean (not that there is anything wrong with that), but it just reminded me that I definitely would have finished it all a year ago. I then had a 3:00 meeting in Acton with someone who owns an ice-cream & chocolate store. He was eager to give me something to eat, so I got 1 scoop of ice-cream, it was good, I ate some, but then threw the rest away. As I was throwing it away, I thought to myself, "Who am I?"
The best part of the surgery is that I eat when I am hungry. This really doesn't feel like deprivation or "trying" or "willpower." I just feel full much sooner, and am able to stop eating even if it is something I like -- I don't over eat just because it is good.
Yay for me.
That's the equivalent of 2 car tires. Or a bag of potatoes. Or 10 bags of sugar. Or two toddlers. A medium size dog. TSA luggage maximum for checked luggage is 50 pounds.
Yesterday I put on my boots to wear with a dress, zipped them up, and the calves are too big! These are wide-width calf boots (probably shocking to Jen that such a thing exists), and now they are too big. I mean, I can wear them, but I can also fit my whole hand inside rather than having them snug when zipping them up. Yay.
I also think of Jen when I eat now (Hi Jen!) Not that I try to eat like Jen, but I find that I do eat like Jen. Yesterday I had lunch with a donor, had a chop salad with salmon, and was done and still had half left, so took it home. The woman I was with finished hers till her plate was clean (not that there is anything wrong with that), but it just reminded me that I definitely would have finished it all a year ago. I then had a 3:00 meeting in Acton with someone who owns an ice-cream & chocolate store. He was eager to give me something to eat, so I got 1 scoop of ice-cream, it was good, I ate some, but then threw the rest away. As I was throwing it away, I thought to myself, "Who am I?"
The best part of the surgery is that I eat when I am hungry. This really doesn't feel like deprivation or "trying" or "willpower." I just feel full much sooner, and am able to stop eating even if it is something I like -- I don't over eat just because it is good.
Yay for me.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
11 months
Last September is when my doctor and I started seriously talking about weight loss surgery. I had to do a lot of thinking and researching, and also had to take care of a lot of medical issues to make sure it would be covered by insurance. A chest CT scan to make sure I didn't have any cardiac risk factors wasn't too bad. Getting caught up on mammogram & "female" stuff is always lovely. Passing an Upper GI to eliminate risk of leaks or obstructions was disgusting and awful.
By November I was ready to learn more, so attended an introductory session at MGH weight center on November 19. Maybe I will count that as my one year anniversary to starting this journey? Here I learned that my options were bypass or sleeve -- basically no one does the lap band anymore. I remember that the most amazing thing to me was how the surgeon who was presenting, as well as all of the other staff, approached this all as a medical issue to be treated, just like diabetes or MS or anything else. There was no talk of willpower or guilt or shame. They talked a lot about genetic factors being just as important, if not more important, than how we eat. It is such a different mindset from all of the other weight loss programs I've tried in 40+ years. Even the name -- weight center -- focuses on weight, not weight loss.
They sure know what they are doing! Before surgery, I saw a psychologist twice, a nutritionist twice, had 3 nutrition group meetings, and two meetings with the surgeon. I think they really want to make sure people are up for the challenge, and I imagine people must drop out at every stage along the way.
Since surgery I have seen the surgeon once, my PCP once, and the nutritionist once. I started the Lifestyle Group this week. We meet every other week for 4 weeks, and I guess the goal is to set people up to maintain their weight loss. I learned that there are receptors that line the stomach that send a message to the brain telling it when you are full. For some reason (I'm not sure), it only takes a little bit of food to activate those receptors now, which is partly why I can't eat that much. The stomach doesn't stretch back out, but eventually, it takes more food to activate the receptors, which is why I will eventually eat a whole plate of food. Interesting. The trick is to get used to eating more fruits and veggies now, so that when I do have a full plate, I don't eat crap.
Last night I had dinner with an old boss who I love. I had 1/2 glass of wine and a Caesar salad with tuna shashimi on it, and brought 1/2 home. Much better decision than last weekend's tuna debacle. Though I did enjoy a few of her French fries!
By November I was ready to learn more, so attended an introductory session at MGH weight center on November 19. Maybe I will count that as my one year anniversary to starting this journey? Here I learned that my options were bypass or sleeve -- basically no one does the lap band anymore. I remember that the most amazing thing to me was how the surgeon who was presenting, as well as all of the other staff, approached this all as a medical issue to be treated, just like diabetes or MS or anything else. There was no talk of willpower or guilt or shame. They talked a lot about genetic factors being just as important, if not more important, than how we eat. It is such a different mindset from all of the other weight loss programs I've tried in 40+ years. Even the name -- weight center -- focuses on weight, not weight loss.
They sure know what they are doing! Before surgery, I saw a psychologist twice, a nutritionist twice, had 3 nutrition group meetings, and two meetings with the surgeon. I think they really want to make sure people are up for the challenge, and I imagine people must drop out at every stage along the way.
Since surgery I have seen the surgeon once, my PCP once, and the nutritionist once. I started the Lifestyle Group this week. We meet every other week for 4 weeks, and I guess the goal is to set people up to maintain their weight loss. I learned that there are receptors that line the stomach that send a message to the brain telling it when you are full. For some reason (I'm not sure), it only takes a little bit of food to activate those receptors now, which is partly why I can't eat that much. The stomach doesn't stretch back out, but eventually, it takes more food to activate the receptors, which is why I will eventually eat a whole plate of food. Interesting. The trick is to get used to eating more fruits and veggies now, so that when I do have a full plate, I don't eat crap.
Last night I had dinner with an old boss who I love. I had 1/2 glass of wine and a Caesar salad with tuna shashimi on it, and brought 1/2 home. Much better decision than last weekend's tuna debacle. Though I did enjoy a few of her French fries!
Sunday, September 27, 2015
4 months
Today is 4 months since my surgery. I've lost 47 pounds -- 7 of those in the past month. I will be so excited to hit 50. I feel really proud that I've made this change and I'm sticking with it. The funny thing is that I've been eating a little bit more non-traditional diet foods, and I think it has helped kick up the weight loss this month. I had McDonald's cheeseburger one night when I was going home late and didn't have any food at home. I had a burger and fries at the movies Friday night. I even had Ben & Jerry's ice-cream one night. BUT, the difference is a cheeseburger vs. Big Mac (and no fries.) At the movies, 1/2 a burger and 1/2 the fries -- not because I was "on a diet" but because I was full and didn't want to eat anymore. I threw away 2/3 of the ice cream -- again because I was full and didn't want anymore. So maybe adding some fat and calories back to my diet is a good thing?
I went shopping twice this week, and it was fun! For the past few years I've been mainly doing online shopping -- ordering stuff, keeping what I liked, returning what I didn't. It was more of a chore than something fun. Twice this week I had extra time on my hands so went shopping, and actually enjoyed it. I bought a gorgeous baby blue soft blazer that I absolutely love (plus 2 shirts and a necklace!). It is a good feeling knowing that I can browse and not be afraid to try it on and look at myself in the mirror. (I will wear it next time we have dinner, Jen!)
Last night I had an interesting experience that I'm still thinking about. I went to Capital Grille with N, S, and L. I have had tuna here before and it is great, so I was looking forward to it. I asked the waitress if I could get tuna on the Caesar salad, and she said sure. I could have the dinner portion or the bar portion. I ordered the dinner portion, and ate about 1/3. Afterwards, I kept thinking, "why did I order the dinner portion? I know I can't eat that much." I took it home, but I wasn't thinking about taking it home when I ordered it. All I can think was that it was my old brain ordering -- thinking that the smaller portion wouldn't be enough, I wouldn't get enough, I would still be hungry if I ordered the small portion. My new brain gave in to my old brain. But why? Maybe I was focused on the stress with S so wasn't focused on ordering. Maybe I was comparing what everyone else was eating (apps, steak, sides, dessert) to what I was eating. I don't know, but it was really interesting.
The good thing is that I had 1/2 glass of wine, 1/3 tuna steak, a little salad, and I was full. I thought for a few seconds about having part of their app, but I did then realize I wouldn't be able to eat my dinner. I stopped eating when I was full so didn't overeat and make myself sick. And we had a fun time. So, it's all good, just interesting.
Yay to 4 months.
I went shopping twice this week, and it was fun! For the past few years I've been mainly doing online shopping -- ordering stuff, keeping what I liked, returning what I didn't. It was more of a chore than something fun. Twice this week I had extra time on my hands so went shopping, and actually enjoyed it. I bought a gorgeous baby blue soft blazer that I absolutely love (plus 2 shirts and a necklace!). It is a good feeling knowing that I can browse and not be afraid to try it on and look at myself in the mirror. (I will wear it next time we have dinner, Jen!)
Last night I had an interesting experience that I'm still thinking about. I went to Capital Grille with N, S, and L. I have had tuna here before and it is great, so I was looking forward to it. I asked the waitress if I could get tuna on the Caesar salad, and she said sure. I could have the dinner portion or the bar portion. I ordered the dinner portion, and ate about 1/3. Afterwards, I kept thinking, "why did I order the dinner portion? I know I can't eat that much." I took it home, but I wasn't thinking about taking it home when I ordered it. All I can think was that it was my old brain ordering -- thinking that the smaller portion wouldn't be enough, I wouldn't get enough, I would still be hungry if I ordered the small portion. My new brain gave in to my old brain. But why? Maybe I was focused on the stress with S so wasn't focused on ordering. Maybe I was comparing what everyone else was eating (apps, steak, sides, dessert) to what I was eating. I don't know, but it was really interesting.
The good thing is that I had 1/2 glass of wine, 1/3 tuna steak, a little salad, and I was full. I thought for a few seconds about having part of their app, but I did then realize I wouldn't be able to eat my dinner. I stopped eating when I was full so didn't overeat and make myself sick. And we had a fun time. So, it's all good, just interesting.
Yay to 4 months.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
What not to wear & GwennieBee
My latest problem is what to wear to work.
Lots of people were away in July and August, so I could get by with sundresses, capri pants and tee shirts. But now that it is September and more meetings with donors, I need to be less casual and more professional. I had a meeting at Tufts University with the legal team and planned on wearing my tan linen suit. Well, that morning I went to get dressed and I looked like a little kid playing dress up in their mom's closet.
Fortunately, I had ordered 3 pairs of pants from Talbots 2 weeks ago, so I pulled those out. When the pants arrived in the mail, I tried then on and they were a tinsy bit snug. Not really tight, but just that place where if gained 5 lbs, they would have been too tight. Pre-surgery me would never had kept them. I tend to like clothes on the loose side -- all the better to hide in. And pre-surgery me would always be thinking, "well, if I gain..." I really had to tell myself, "you're not going to gain, you are going to lose, keep the pants." So, I kept them. Having faith in the fact I will keep losing, not gaining, is a complete mind shift. Yay.
So, I grabbed a pair of new pants and put the tan suit in the give-away pile. Guess what? Too big! It seems I am losing my hips. I could fit my hands inside the pants on both sides. Yay. But also Ugh.
These 3 new pants are my only pants in my closet, so I had to wear them. But all day I was like, "Shit, now I can't even wear these pants!" I made it through the week with sundresses, then went shopping yesterday. I had to try on a lot of styles and sizes, but ended up with 2 black and 1 pair. Phew. I have gone down 4 sizes since May 27. Even I can admit that's pretty amazing. :) (Though I don't feel comfortable enough sharing what the sizes are just yet, we will see if I ever get to that point.)
My shirts are also too big. Again, I tend to wear them on the bigger size, and it's hard mentally to feel comfortable going down. But I've gone down 2 sizes, and have had to buy a few shirts to get me through till we I pull out the fall sweaters. I am now wearing bras that are 6 inches smaller than I was wearing in May -- no wonder my shirts are too big!
Jen/Whitney had recommended a website where you basically "rent" clothes -- kind of like Netflix for clothes -- instead of spending money on things I'll probably only wear for 6 weeks. I looked on the site two different times, and just didn't find a lot that I liked. And with the challenge of finding the right fit for my body, I decided to go ahead and spend the money. And all summer stuff is on sale now, so all of the shirts I have bought have been super cheap, and the pants aren't too bad. I also got a couple of dresses on sale.
It seems like every 10-15lbs = the need for a size down, so I think that should take me till end of November. Which also means I am thinking I'll be at 60lbs by end of the year (originally I was thinking 50 by end of 2015, but I feel comfortable saying 60 now.) That means I should be 70 by March 1, which would be great too. (Could be more, but trying not to focus too much on the number, but more on how I feel.)
So how do I feel? I feel good. I have more energy. My allergies are much better (weird, I know.) I'm drinking tons of water, taking my vitamins, doing my weights a few nights a week. Eating is still a challenge -- well, always thinking about food is a challenge. What am I going to eat? What do I need to bring with me? What are they going to have? What do I need to buy? Those are the thoughts that occupy my mind (along with what am I going to wear, but I got that one answered for now.) I still focus primarily on protein, these days I'm eating greek yogurt with added blueberries or raspberries, shashimi, shrimp dumplings steamed, chicken, turkey breast from deli, scrambled eggs, quinoa, shrimp. But I am really trying to eat more veggies (cucumbers, zucchini) and fruit (raspberries and blueberries.) I could do better. :)
Lots of people were away in July and August, so I could get by with sundresses, capri pants and tee shirts. But now that it is September and more meetings with donors, I need to be less casual and more professional. I had a meeting at Tufts University with the legal team and planned on wearing my tan linen suit. Well, that morning I went to get dressed and I looked like a little kid playing dress up in their mom's closet.
Fortunately, I had ordered 3 pairs of pants from Talbots 2 weeks ago, so I pulled those out. When the pants arrived in the mail, I tried then on and they were a tinsy bit snug. Not really tight, but just that place where if gained 5 lbs, they would have been too tight. Pre-surgery me would never had kept them. I tend to like clothes on the loose side -- all the better to hide in. And pre-surgery me would always be thinking, "well, if I gain..." I really had to tell myself, "you're not going to gain, you are going to lose, keep the pants." So, I kept them. Having faith in the fact I will keep losing, not gaining, is a complete mind shift. Yay.
So, I grabbed a pair of new pants and put the tan suit in the give-away pile. Guess what? Too big! It seems I am losing my hips. I could fit my hands inside the pants on both sides. Yay. But also Ugh.
These 3 new pants are my only pants in my closet, so I had to wear them. But all day I was like, "Shit, now I can't even wear these pants!" I made it through the week with sundresses, then went shopping yesterday. I had to try on a lot of styles and sizes, but ended up with 2 black and 1 pair. Phew. I have gone down 4 sizes since May 27. Even I can admit that's pretty amazing. :) (Though I don't feel comfortable enough sharing what the sizes are just yet, we will see if I ever get to that point.)
My shirts are also too big. Again, I tend to wear them on the bigger size, and it's hard mentally to feel comfortable going down. But I've gone down 2 sizes, and have had to buy a few shirts to get me through till we I pull out the fall sweaters. I am now wearing bras that are 6 inches smaller than I was wearing in May -- no wonder my shirts are too big!
Jen/Whitney had recommended a website where you basically "rent" clothes -- kind of like Netflix for clothes -- instead of spending money on things I'll probably only wear for 6 weeks. I looked on the site two different times, and just didn't find a lot that I liked. And with the challenge of finding the right fit for my body, I decided to go ahead and spend the money. And all summer stuff is on sale now, so all of the shirts I have bought have been super cheap, and the pants aren't too bad. I also got a couple of dresses on sale.
It seems like every 10-15lbs = the need for a size down, so I think that should take me till end of November. Which also means I am thinking I'll be at 60lbs by end of the year (originally I was thinking 50 by end of 2015, but I feel comfortable saying 60 now.) That means I should be 70 by March 1, which would be great too. (Could be more, but trying not to focus too much on the number, but more on how I feel.)
So how do I feel? I feel good. I have more energy. My allergies are much better (weird, I know.) I'm drinking tons of water, taking my vitamins, doing my weights a few nights a week. Eating is still a challenge -- well, always thinking about food is a challenge. What am I going to eat? What do I need to bring with me? What are they going to have? What do I need to buy? Those are the thoughts that occupy my mind (along with what am I going to wear, but I got that one answered for now.) I still focus primarily on protein, these days I'm eating greek yogurt with added blueberries or raspberries, shashimi, shrimp dumplings steamed, chicken, turkey breast from deli, scrambled eggs, quinoa, shrimp. But I am really trying to eat more veggies (cucumbers, zucchini) and fruit (raspberries and blueberries.) I could do better. :)
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Maybe I need a fitbit?
I've been wanting to work out for a while... well, not wanting to, but knowing I should, knowing I would feel good if I did, and knowing it would help my weight loss if I did.
I went to the Newton YMCA 2 weeks ago all ready to sign up and use the treadmill, but it was sooo gross I couldn't wait to get out of there. I checked out other local gyms, and had my gym bag all packed and in the back of my car for the week. And there it stayed.
BUT, then I went to the nutritionist last week, and she really encouraged me to do weights instead of cardio. Heck, I can do that! I have weights at home weighing 2 lbs, 5, 6, 8, 10, and 15. Years ago I had a personal trainer who came to my condo and helped me and a neighbor work out, and I still have that workout, so Viola! I'm in business. I did the arm routine tonight, started with 5lbs weights, and it was hard. Not impossible, but hard! Six exercises for arms, plus 150 situps, leg raises, and a few planks. My planks are embarrassingly lame, but that's ok.
My plan is to do arms 2x week and legs 2x week, and always do situps, leg raises, and planks. I'll work to increase planks 10 seconds every week. If I bought a fitbit and increased my walking, that would be a good thing too. I'll put that on the to-do list (though I will not be competing with Jen and Christin!)
The nutritionist also urged me to start eating fruits and veggies. I said I don't need to, I'm not hungry. (And I hate to cook, and I'm not a salad fan. blah blah blah.) She said that as I get able to eat more volume, I am going to want to be eating veggies so I don't eat too many calories and gain weight. Ok, fine. So today I added raspberries to my yogurt. And I had sliced cucumbers with my lunch. And I sautéed zucchini & summer squash last night to eat with my chicken (which I also cooked instead of buying pre-made, thank you very much!!!)
My other project has been switching from summer to fall clothes. I'm donating everything to a homeless shelter which helps women get back to work, so that feels good. Here's one outfit from 3 years ago, and then me in the same outfit last week (before work, so no makeup.) Where did my boobs go?!?! As much as I stress about the number on the scale, photos like this help me know that I am getting smaller. (This outfit is in the give-away pile, obviously.)
I went to the Newton YMCA 2 weeks ago all ready to sign up and use the treadmill, but it was sooo gross I couldn't wait to get out of there. I checked out other local gyms, and had my gym bag all packed and in the back of my car for the week. And there it stayed.
BUT, then I went to the nutritionist last week, and she really encouraged me to do weights instead of cardio. Heck, I can do that! I have weights at home weighing 2 lbs, 5, 6, 8, 10, and 15. Years ago I had a personal trainer who came to my condo and helped me and a neighbor work out, and I still have that workout, so Viola! I'm in business. I did the arm routine tonight, started with 5lbs weights, and it was hard. Not impossible, but hard! Six exercises for arms, plus 150 situps, leg raises, and a few planks. My planks are embarrassingly lame, but that's ok.
My plan is to do arms 2x week and legs 2x week, and always do situps, leg raises, and planks. I'll work to increase planks 10 seconds every week. If I bought a fitbit and increased my walking, that would be a good thing too. I'll put that on the to-do list (though I will not be competing with Jen and Christin!)
The nutritionist also urged me to start eating fruits and veggies. I said I don't need to, I'm not hungry. (And I hate to cook, and I'm not a salad fan. blah blah blah.) She said that as I get able to eat more volume, I am going to want to be eating veggies so I don't eat too many calories and gain weight. Ok, fine. So today I added raspberries to my yogurt. And I had sliced cucumbers with my lunch. And I sautéed zucchini & summer squash last night to eat with my chicken (which I also cooked instead of buying pre-made, thank you very much!!!)
My other project has been switching from summer to fall clothes. I'm donating everything to a homeless shelter which helps women get back to work, so that feels good. Here's one outfit from 3 years ago, and then me in the same outfit last week (before work, so no makeup.) Where did my boobs go?!?! As much as I stress about the number on the scale, photos like this help me know that I am getting smaller. (This outfit is in the give-away pile, obviously.)
Monday, August 31, 2015
3 month check in
Thursday was 3 month anniversary, and as of today, I've lost 44 lbs.
I was stuck at 40 for a few weeks which was really frustrating, but just this past week I had a break and feel really good about 44. It was hard mentally being stuck at 40/42 and I really have to remind myself that 42 pounds is huge, that losing slow is healthy, and what a big change this is for me longterm. But it was still hard. I weighed myself this am for the first time in several days and was thrilled to see movement down to 44 lbs. I'm meeting with nutritionist this am for 3 month check in, so I'm interested to see what she will say.
I'm thinking now that 5lbs a month is probably a realistic goal, which would be 20 more lbs by the end of December.
This summer has been very different. Frankly, there hasn't been a lot of fun. Lots of family drama left over from last summer has been a black cloud. Sue's diagnosis of non-hodgkins lymphoma is scary and sad. I haven't been to the beach once, also haven't been in my parents pool once. I can't really drink alcohol -- I have tried a few times, just doesn't taste good. I can't even finish a small ice-cream cone!
On the bright side, went for little vacation for 4 days in NH with Nancy and Liam -- ziplining for NN and Liam, ropes course for Liam, stand up paddleboard for me and Liam, mini golf, and lots of swimming. I am pretty good about the food situation -- got sick once in NH from eating too much, but other than that, I feel like I am doing pretty good with what I'm eating, what I need to bring with me when I go places, etc. All of the damage to my condo was fixed while I was in NH, which is also really nice.
And, I can eat real food & sweets. Had a mini scone at Starbucks yesterday, 1/2 raspberry tart on Saturday, so I don't feel deprived or starving.
Eating these little sweets is a change I've made in the past week or so. A blogger I follow, who has been incredibly successful, advocates for giving your body a little bit of carbs/fat/sugar, rather than strictly sticking to proteins and veggies. He thinks the body "panics" when it is only getting protein and veggies, and people lose more when they loosen up a bit. (Though his big thing is to never overeat!) So that's my plan for this month
Someone told me that this July was the hottest on record. Really? I don't feel like this summer has been any hotter than others. I wonder if that is one of the changes in my body, that I'm more tolerant of the heat. (Jen will remember how intolerant of the heat I was 2 years ago in London and Paris!)
Tonight I'm joining a gym. Wish me luck!
I was stuck at 40 for a few weeks which was really frustrating, but just this past week I had a break and feel really good about 44. It was hard mentally being stuck at 40/42 and I really have to remind myself that 42 pounds is huge, that losing slow is healthy, and what a big change this is for me longterm. But it was still hard. I weighed myself this am for the first time in several days and was thrilled to see movement down to 44 lbs. I'm meeting with nutritionist this am for 3 month check in, so I'm interested to see what she will say.
I'm thinking now that 5lbs a month is probably a realistic goal, which would be 20 more lbs by the end of December.
This summer has been very different. Frankly, there hasn't been a lot of fun. Lots of family drama left over from last summer has been a black cloud. Sue's diagnosis of non-hodgkins lymphoma is scary and sad. I haven't been to the beach once, also haven't been in my parents pool once. I can't really drink alcohol -- I have tried a few times, just doesn't taste good. I can't even finish a small ice-cream cone!
On the bright side, went for little vacation for 4 days in NH with Nancy and Liam -- ziplining for NN and Liam, ropes course for Liam, stand up paddleboard for me and Liam, mini golf, and lots of swimming. I am pretty good about the food situation -- got sick once in NH from eating too much, but other than that, I feel like I am doing pretty good with what I'm eating, what I need to bring with me when I go places, etc. All of the damage to my condo was fixed while I was in NH, which is also really nice.
And, I can eat real food & sweets. Had a mini scone at Starbucks yesterday, 1/2 raspberry tart on Saturday, so I don't feel deprived or starving.
Eating these little sweets is a change I've made in the past week or so. A blogger I follow, who has been incredibly successful, advocates for giving your body a little bit of carbs/fat/sugar, rather than strictly sticking to proteins and veggies. He thinks the body "panics" when it is only getting protein and veggies, and people lose more when they loosen up a bit. (Though his big thing is to never overeat!) So that's my plan for this month
Someone told me that this July was the hottest on record. Really? I don't feel like this summer has been any hotter than others. I wonder if that is one of the changes in my body, that I'm more tolerant of the heat. (Jen will remember how intolerant of the heat I was 2 years ago in London and Paris!)
Tonight I'm joining a gym. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Half way to goal
I've lost 38 pounds. My goal is 80. That's technically not 1/2, I realize, but I'm in a good mood and wanted to blog tonight, so I'm rounding.
My goal is 80. My stretch goal is 90. If I could lose 100 I would dress like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. So, somewhere between 80 and 100 will be good. I feel really great about hitting 38.
Even better is that my clothes are falling off. The linen pants I was so excited to be able to wear again back on June 17th -- they are really kind of ridiculous how baggy they are. I have to keep hiking them up as I walk! I've been wearing sun dresses -- a few old ones and a few new ones -- and I'm hoping to make it through August without having to buy any clothes.
Tonight I tried on last year's Fall clothes to see what I needed to get rid of, what I could wear, and what I need to buy. I'm down 3 sizes in pants, skirts and dresses -- 2 sizes in tops and jackets.
I am donating 7 dresses, 2 blazers, 2 skirts, and 9 pairs of pants to Goodwill tomorrow. Funny, there's nothing here that I'm sorry to see go.
I am going to need a big Back to School sale!
My goal is 80. My stretch goal is 90. If I could lose 100 I would dress like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. So, somewhere between 80 and 100 will be good. I feel really great about hitting 38.
Even better is that my clothes are falling off. The linen pants I was so excited to be able to wear again back on June 17th -- they are really kind of ridiculous how baggy they are. I have to keep hiking them up as I walk! I've been wearing sun dresses -- a few old ones and a few new ones -- and I'm hoping to make it through August without having to buy any clothes.
Tonight I tried on last year's Fall clothes to see what I needed to get rid of, what I could wear, and what I need to buy. I'm down 3 sizes in pants, skirts and dresses -- 2 sizes in tops and jackets.
I am donating 7 dresses, 2 blazers, 2 skirts, and 9 pairs of pants to Goodwill tomorrow. Funny, there's nothing here that I'm sorry to see go.
I am going to need a big Back to School sale!
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Changing our story
Last year Deborah and I decided to change our stories.
She got divorced, I had surgery.
We are both doing great, not every day is easy, but we are moving forward.
I have a 2 month check in with my surgeon next week. When I realized this was coming up, my first reaction was, "oh shit, I haven't lost enough. She is going to be disappointed in me. I'm going to feel ashamed. Maybe I should cancel. No, I need to starve myself so I lose more." This went on for about about 30 minutes, then I remembered what MGH said at one of my very first appointments. They don't celebrate numbers. There are no gold stars, rounds of applause. And no shame.
It's not about the number. The weight is coming off. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. She'll do blood work and measure all kinds of stuff to see how my body is adapting. So there is nothing to worry about, and in fact, I should look forward to it. It's nice to change the weight loss story too from fear and shame to positive and happy!
Also, Sue told me yesterday I need new pants. The khakis I was wearing are new pants. I'm going to try and stretch till Fall before buying new stuff -- thank goodness for sun dresses that don't look so bad when they are roomy.
Aaaand, I noticed there was enough spare room in my bras for a small child. Pulled out some old bras, 2 sizes smaller, and they fit nice and snug and feel great.
So even if the scale is stuck at 35, my body is getting smaller in other ways. Yay.
I'm still tracking my food everyday, which helps me stay focused. Breakfast was greek yogurt (123 calories, 17g protein), lunch was ground turkey with tomato sauce (150 calories, 21g protein), dinner was steak tip and 5 French fries (200 calories, 10g protein). Snack was turkey jerkey (70 calories, 10g protein), and a chocolate covered frozen yogurt for dessert (170 calories, 6g protein). It amazes me how few calories I eat (about 700) and really don't feel hungry.
She got divorced, I had surgery.
We are both doing great, not every day is easy, but we are moving forward.
I have a 2 month check in with my surgeon next week. When I realized this was coming up, my first reaction was, "oh shit, I haven't lost enough. She is going to be disappointed in me. I'm going to feel ashamed. Maybe I should cancel. No, I need to starve myself so I lose more." This went on for about about 30 minutes, then I remembered what MGH said at one of my very first appointments. They don't celebrate numbers. There are no gold stars, rounds of applause. And no shame.
It's not about the number. The weight is coming off. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. She'll do blood work and measure all kinds of stuff to see how my body is adapting. So there is nothing to worry about, and in fact, I should look forward to it. It's nice to change the weight loss story too from fear and shame to positive and happy!
Also, Sue told me yesterday I need new pants. The khakis I was wearing are new pants. I'm going to try and stretch till Fall before buying new stuff -- thank goodness for sun dresses that don't look so bad when they are roomy.
Aaaand, I noticed there was enough spare room in my bras for a small child. Pulled out some old bras, 2 sizes smaller, and they fit nice and snug and feel great.
So even if the scale is stuck at 35, my body is getting smaller in other ways. Yay.
I'm still tracking my food everyday, which helps me stay focused. Breakfast was greek yogurt (123 calories, 17g protein), lunch was ground turkey with tomato sauce (150 calories, 21g protein), dinner was steak tip and 5 French fries (200 calories, 10g protein). Snack was turkey jerkey (70 calories, 10g protein), and a chocolate covered frozen yogurt for dessert (170 calories, 6g protein). It amazes me how few calories I eat (about 700) and really don't feel hungry.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Jinx
I think I jinxed myself with my last post.
I haven't lost any weight all week.
I am sick of thinking about food. I am sick of all the food I have been eating.
I made broccoli tater tots to help me get veggies in ... blech.
I made a tomato/chick pea/feta cheese dinner that I ate a lot this winter and LOVED...after 2 servings it lost its appeal.
After getting sick on salmon a few weeks, that's out. Ditto on some previously yummy sesame tofu.
Shashimi is still good but kinda getting old.
Scrambled eggs are ok, but all that cottage cheese I bought is still in the frig.
So suddenly this isn't feeling very easy!
Today I had chocolate milk for breakfast ( 4g of protein and 104 calories) and plain greek yogurt (17g of protein and 128 calories.) Lunch was a few slices of deli chicken breast and a slice of cheese (11g of protein, 120 calories) and a few shrimp dumplings (4g of protein and 45 calories per dumpling). Dinner was Lime Chicken from Whole Foods (21g of protein and 120 calories) and some pea pods, onion and tomato salad. So I guess it was a good day, just feel bored with food and not really interested in anything different.
One positive thing is that I've figured out that I need to order just an appetizer when going out for dinner. Ordering a full meal, eating 1/4 and taking the rest home isn't that great, considering 1/2 of a meal is carbs that I don't really eat anyway. I had cheese quesadilla app one night over the weekend, ate 2 and Liam ate 2, so that worked out.
Another good thing is that I have no desire to drink alcohol. Wine just doesn't appeal to me. Although... I was in Salem over the weekend, walking around and was hot, and it did occur to me that a nice cold beer might have been tasty. But we got ice-cream instead. Even ordering a small ice-cream I have to throw 1/2 of it away right at the beginning.
I do have some chicken recipes pinned on Pinterest, I guess maybe I'll try to make some chicken this weekend.
I haven't lost any weight all week.
I am sick of thinking about food. I am sick of all the food I have been eating.
I made broccoli tater tots to help me get veggies in ... blech.
I made a tomato/chick pea/feta cheese dinner that I ate a lot this winter and LOVED...after 2 servings it lost its appeal.
After getting sick on salmon a few weeks, that's out. Ditto on some previously yummy sesame tofu.
Shashimi is still good but kinda getting old.
Scrambled eggs are ok, but all that cottage cheese I bought is still in the frig.
So suddenly this isn't feeling very easy!
Today I had chocolate milk for breakfast ( 4g of protein and 104 calories) and plain greek yogurt (17g of protein and 128 calories.) Lunch was a few slices of deli chicken breast and a slice of cheese (11g of protein, 120 calories) and a few shrimp dumplings (4g of protein and 45 calories per dumpling). Dinner was Lime Chicken from Whole Foods (21g of protein and 120 calories) and some pea pods, onion and tomato salad. So I guess it was a good day, just feel bored with food and not really interested in anything different.
One positive thing is that I've figured out that I need to order just an appetizer when going out for dinner. Ordering a full meal, eating 1/4 and taking the rest home isn't that great, considering 1/2 of a meal is carbs that I don't really eat anyway. I had cheese quesadilla app one night over the weekend, ate 2 and Liam ate 2, so that worked out.
Another good thing is that I have no desire to drink alcohol. Wine just doesn't appeal to me. Although... I was in Salem over the weekend, walking around and was hot, and it did occur to me that a nice cold beer might have been tasty. But we got ice-cream instead. Even ordering a small ice-cream I have to throw 1/2 of it away right at the beginning.
I do have some chicken recipes pinned on Pinterest, I guess maybe I'll try to make some chicken this weekend.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Too easy?
I feel like this is too easy. Losing weight is supposed to be hard.
I should be starving. I should be losing .5lbs a week. I should be miserable.
Instead, I eat when I am hungry. I lost 2 lbs since Friday. I have even had ice-cream. I'm pretty happy!
I thought it would be smart for me to document what I'm eating and how I'm feeling, in case I need to look back on this in a few weeks/months when I hit a plateau and life isn't so rosy. So, here's what I'm eating:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup chocolate milk, 1/2 cup whole milk. 4g of protein, 180 calories.
Slice of mozzarella cheese, slice of tomato, balsamic vinegar. 8 g of protein, 80 calories.
Lunch: Egg salad made from 2 eggs, with mayo. 12 g protein, 170 calories.
Snack: Watermelon.
Dinner: Ground turkey with tomato sauce & grated cheese. 28 g protein. 250 calories.
Snack: Yasso frozen yogurt popsicle. 6 g protein. 80 calories.
So I ended the day with 62 g of protein, 800 calories. I could have eaten a little something more as a snack after breakfast but I had a busy day. I need to buy more greek yogurt, it is really good AND has 20g of protein! I could have more fruits and veggies, too. I haven't really figured out how to work those in yet. Though I did order a mini-cupcake tin so I can make broccoli tater tots.
I said this is easy, and in some ways it is. The hard thing, though, is that I am ALWAYS thinking about food -- what food I should take with me, what food I need to buy (see yogurt above), what I need to cook for tomorrow (need to hard boil some eggs to have the whites as snack). It's not even like I think about what to eat all the time, it is the shopping/planning/preparing. I used to just wait till I was hungry, then think, "hmm, what do I feel like eating? what is easy?" and then order something or go out.
On Friday I went to Walden Pond with Deborah and brought cooked shrimp, turkey jerky (need more), watermelon and cole slaw. I went to the beach with Sue, Nancy and Liam on Sunday. I brought 6 hard boiled eggs, a bunch of cooked shrimp, cheese stick, and smartfood popcorn for a snack. Then when I got home I cooked ground turkey and mixed it with tomato sauce and stored for the week. Made a chick pea, tomato sauce mixture from Deborah that is served with a poached egg and feta cheese. Very yummy. And made egg salad.
This is the person who ate Stouffer's frozen spinach soufflé every day for lunch for 3 months because it was easy. I guess there are different types of easy!
I should be starving. I should be losing .5lbs a week. I should be miserable.
Instead, I eat when I am hungry. I lost 2 lbs since Friday. I have even had ice-cream. I'm pretty happy!
I thought it would be smart for me to document what I'm eating and how I'm feeling, in case I need to look back on this in a few weeks/months when I hit a plateau and life isn't so rosy. So, here's what I'm eating:
Breakfast: 1/2 cup chocolate milk, 1/2 cup whole milk. 4g of protein, 180 calories.
Slice of mozzarella cheese, slice of tomato, balsamic vinegar. 8 g of protein, 80 calories.
Lunch: Egg salad made from 2 eggs, with mayo. 12 g protein, 170 calories.
Snack: Watermelon.
Dinner: Ground turkey with tomato sauce & grated cheese. 28 g protein. 250 calories.
Snack: Yasso frozen yogurt popsicle. 6 g protein. 80 calories.
So I ended the day with 62 g of protein, 800 calories. I could have eaten a little something more as a snack after breakfast but I had a busy day. I need to buy more greek yogurt, it is really good AND has 20g of protein! I could have more fruits and veggies, too. I haven't really figured out how to work those in yet. Though I did order a mini-cupcake tin so I can make broccoli tater tots.
I said this is easy, and in some ways it is. The hard thing, though, is that I am ALWAYS thinking about food -- what food I should take with me, what food I need to buy (see yogurt above), what I need to cook for tomorrow (need to hard boil some eggs to have the whites as snack). It's not even like I think about what to eat all the time, it is the shopping/planning/preparing. I used to just wait till I was hungry, then think, "hmm, what do I feel like eating? what is easy?" and then order something or go out.
On Friday I went to Walden Pond with Deborah and brought cooked shrimp, turkey jerky (need more), watermelon and cole slaw. I went to the beach with Sue, Nancy and Liam on Sunday. I brought 6 hard boiled eggs, a bunch of cooked shrimp, cheese stick, and smartfood popcorn for a snack. Then when I got home I cooked ground turkey and mixed it with tomato sauce and stored for the week. Made a chick pea, tomato sauce mixture from Deborah that is served with a poached egg and feta cheese. Very yummy. And made egg salad.
This is the person who ate Stouffer's frozen spinach soufflé every day for lunch for 3 months because it was easy. I guess there are different types of easy!
Friday, July 3, 2015
6 bags of sugar
Grace reminded me this week that a bag of sugar weighs 5 pounds. In 38 days I've lost 6 bags of sugar -- 30lbs!
Funny how I was stalled for a week or so, then had a really good week of weight loss. I liked this week better than that stall week.
So what's the trick? water. protein. exercise. and a little cheat here or there! Seriously, last Saturday I walked to Natick farmer's market with Marisa and her boys. Cheese is one the proteins that I eat a lot of, and we went to a bakery to buy the boys cookies, and there was a cheese danish with my name on it. I tried to resist but gave in. I ate the cheese part, threw away the danish around the edges, though I'm sure I had more calories and sugar than I should have. It was SO GOOD. The next day I was down a pound.
I think the lesson is for me to drink water, eat protein, get exercise -- and allow a slip here or there. I'm not going to have a cheese danish every day, but an occasional slip might be a good thing, mentally and for my body.
It's been a good week. I wore a nice blue sweater and white linen pants to work yesterday that I haven't worn in 4 or 5 years. Another day I wore a summer sweater that I like and is 1 year old, and it was swimming on me so I threw it away when I got home! That felt good. Goodbye big sweater.
That's one challenge -- what to do with the clothes I outgrow? Not that I know anyone who I could give them to if I wanted to, because the clothes are too big, but even if I did, how insulting would it be to try and give someone my old fat clothes! I guess I'll start a bag of things to donate rather than throwing things away.
My ultimate would be fitting into the suit I wore to Sue's wedding 14 years ago. I'm not even sure it is possible, I was working at LMI then and at my lowest weight, but I absolutely loved the suit! It is periwinkle blue, Talbots, sleeveless shift dress with matching short jacket. There are a lot of clothes I had then that I loved (a dress that looked like watercolors, I wore it to Sandy's wedding when Jen, Stacey, Bill and I had the best glass of wine ever at the Boston Park Plaza.)
If things keep going the way they are, I'm going to need all new clothes this fall, so will need to get a whole new wardrobe. What fun!
I spend a LOT of time shopping and planning food. I probably need to start cooking more. I pretty much go to Whole Foods every other day and get sushi or tofu or chicken. Oh, this week I discovered turkey bacon, turkey jerky, and turkey pepperoni. Anything I can keep with me and eat when I get hungry (like the jerky and pepperoni) comes in handy. Add in a cheese stick and it's a very yummy snack. Scrambled eggs with bits of bacon is good too.
Funny how I was stalled for a week or so, then had a really good week of weight loss. I liked this week better than that stall week.
So what's the trick? water. protein. exercise. and a little cheat here or there! Seriously, last Saturday I walked to Natick farmer's market with Marisa and her boys. Cheese is one the proteins that I eat a lot of, and we went to a bakery to buy the boys cookies, and there was a cheese danish with my name on it. I tried to resist but gave in. I ate the cheese part, threw away the danish around the edges, though I'm sure I had more calories and sugar than I should have. It was SO GOOD. The next day I was down a pound.
I think the lesson is for me to drink water, eat protein, get exercise -- and allow a slip here or there. I'm not going to have a cheese danish every day, but an occasional slip might be a good thing, mentally and for my body.
It's been a good week. I wore a nice blue sweater and white linen pants to work yesterday that I haven't worn in 4 or 5 years. Another day I wore a summer sweater that I like and is 1 year old, and it was swimming on me so I threw it away when I got home! That felt good. Goodbye big sweater.
That's one challenge -- what to do with the clothes I outgrow? Not that I know anyone who I could give them to if I wanted to, because the clothes are too big, but even if I did, how insulting would it be to try and give someone my old fat clothes! I guess I'll start a bag of things to donate rather than throwing things away.
My ultimate would be fitting into the suit I wore to Sue's wedding 14 years ago. I'm not even sure it is possible, I was working at LMI then and at my lowest weight, but I absolutely loved the suit! It is periwinkle blue, Talbots, sleeveless shift dress with matching short jacket. There are a lot of clothes I had then that I loved (a dress that looked like watercolors, I wore it to Sandy's wedding when Jen, Stacey, Bill and I had the best glass of wine ever at the Boston Park Plaza.)
If things keep going the way they are, I'm going to need all new clothes this fall, so will need to get a whole new wardrobe. What fun!
I spend a LOT of time shopping and planning food. I probably need to start cooking more. I pretty much go to Whole Foods every other day and get sushi or tofu or chicken. Oh, this week I discovered turkey bacon, turkey jerky, and turkey pepperoni. Anything I can keep with me and eat when I get hungry (like the jerky and pepperoni) comes in handy. Add in a cheese stick and it's a very yummy snack. Scrambled eggs with bits of bacon is good too.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Steak & Potatoes
Had another work thing I had to go to last night -- a Lions club meeting in Woburn with one of my colleagues. I don't love doing work things at night, though it is part of my job so shouldn't complain.
This was at a hotel in Woburn and they were serving steak, baked potatoes, rolls, and baked beans. And Boston Cream Pie. The last thing I wanted to do was get sick, so I made sure I had some hummus & pretzels in the afternoon so I wasn't hungry. I did ok! Had 3 or 4 bites of steak, same on the potato, and that was it. If I could have snuck the rest of the steak home in my purse for the dogs I would have, but the waitress took my plate too quickly.
But I did it. Didn't eat too much or too fast. It wasn't killing me sitting there not eating the food on my plate. Had water while the guys had beer which was also fine. The guys were very, very funny so it actually turned into a pretty good night. (I actually haven't laughed that hard in a while.) Got home and had a SF fudgsicle, so all was good.
I'm tired today after being out and "on" two nights in a row, so will take it easy tonight.
I'm stuck at 25lbs but trying not to worry about it too much. One month and 25lbs is pretty good, and all of the blogs and message boards talk about people getting stalled, just keep with the water and protein, and having faith that the loss will come.
This was at a hotel in Woburn and they were serving steak, baked potatoes, rolls, and baked beans. And Boston Cream Pie. The last thing I wanted to do was get sick, so I made sure I had some hummus & pretzels in the afternoon so I wasn't hungry. I did ok! Had 3 or 4 bites of steak, same on the potato, and that was it. If I could have snuck the rest of the steak home in my purse for the dogs I would have, but the waitress took my plate too quickly.
But I did it. Didn't eat too much or too fast. It wasn't killing me sitting there not eating the food on my plate. Had water while the guys had beer which was also fine. The guys were very, very funny so it actually turned into a pretty good night. (I actually haven't laughed that hard in a while.) Got home and had a SF fudgsicle, so all was good.
I'm tired today after being out and "on" two nights in a row, so will take it easy tonight.
I'm stuck at 25lbs but trying not to worry about it too much. One month and 25lbs is pretty good, and all of the blogs and message boards talk about people getting stalled, just keep with the water and protein, and having faith that the loss will come.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Not for the faint of heart
Yesterday I started to feel more like myself, didn't feel tired/achy/out of it. Finally. Really haven't been able to eat much of anything for the past week, and nothing has appealed to me. Just don't feel interested in eating. Is this how thin people feel all the time?
Today I was hungry and really felt like myself. Yay. I had tofu for breakfast, cheese stick snack, shashimi for lunch, watermelon for a snack, and by 4:00 my stomach was rumbling and I was legitimately hungry. I didn't have any snacks and had to go to a cocktail party after work. I had 2 mini-crab cakes and some water. Still have no interest in alcohol.
I got home at 7:00 and was starving. I ate 4 small shrimp cocktail and a few bites of quinoa. I could tell I was full so stopped eating. About 3 minutes later I could feel...well...it coming back up. :( I made it to the kitchen sink, so that's good.
Throwing up now is a very different sensation -- it just happens, super fast, then it's over. I feel like in the past puking was more of an all-body experience, with my stomach contracting and more of an effort. Now it doesn't seem to come from my stomach, it's more like the food is in my esophagus and has nowhere to go, so comes back up. Now I'm sitting here wondering, "Am I hungry? Should I eat? Did I throw it all up?" I guess I'll just chill and see how I feel in a little bit. And start bringing more food with me. And stop eating too fast.
Today I was hungry and really felt like myself. Yay. I had tofu for breakfast, cheese stick snack, shashimi for lunch, watermelon for a snack, and by 4:00 my stomach was rumbling and I was legitimately hungry. I didn't have any snacks and had to go to a cocktail party after work. I had 2 mini-crab cakes and some water. Still have no interest in alcohol.
I got home at 7:00 and was starving. I ate 4 small shrimp cocktail and a few bites of quinoa. I could tell I was full so stopped eating. About 3 minutes later I could feel...well...it coming back up. :( I made it to the kitchen sink, so that's good.
Throwing up now is a very different sensation -- it just happens, super fast, then it's over. I feel like in the past puking was more of an all-body experience, with my stomach contracting and more of an effort. Now it doesn't seem to come from my stomach, it's more like the food is in my esophagus and has nowhere to go, so comes back up. Now I'm sitting here wondering, "Am I hungry? Should I eat? Did I throw it all up?" I guess I'll just chill and see how I feel in a little bit. And start bringing more food with me. And stop eating too fast.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Rough week
I had a headache all week. Started Monday morning. At first I thought it was because I was dehydrated, or because it's been rainy, but when it wasn't gone by Wednesday I called the doctor.
Went to the doctor on Thursday who said my body has been through "significant trauma" and the migraine is stress related. I'm also anemic (apparently it takes 6-8 weeks for the body to replace lost blood cells), so that doesn't help either. I got medicine for both and went home to bed. Worked with my lights off at work, and kept the shades pulled at home. Headache about 50% better Friday, and way better Saturday. I didn't have much of an appetite all week either, so it was kind of hard to eat. Kind of a crappy week.
Nice weekend though! Went strawberry picking with Stacey, Dave and Nate. We had a picnic in the shade, listened to music, and played Nate's favorite game Uno. Was nice to be out in the fresh air. My stomach doesn't feel that good, but we had a nice time anyway.
It's Sunday night now. Hoping this will be a better week. Tuesday is one month since surgery, and Friday is another nutrition group. I'm really wondering when I will feel like myself again.
Went to the doctor on Thursday who said my body has been through "significant trauma" and the migraine is stress related. I'm also anemic (apparently it takes 6-8 weeks for the body to replace lost blood cells), so that doesn't help either. I got medicine for both and went home to bed. Worked with my lights off at work, and kept the shades pulled at home. Headache about 50% better Friday, and way better Saturday. I didn't have much of an appetite all week either, so it was kind of hard to eat. Kind of a crappy week.
Nice weekend though! Went strawberry picking with Stacey, Dave and Nate. We had a picnic in the shade, listened to music, and played Nate's favorite game Uno. Was nice to be out in the fresh air. My stomach doesn't feel that good, but we had a nice time anyway.
It's Sunday night now. Hoping this will be a better week. Tuesday is one month since surgery, and Friday is another nutrition group. I'm really wondering when I will feel like myself again.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Let there be Linen
I went pant shopping last night -- in my closet. I have 5 pairs of linen pants that I haven't been able to wear for 3 or 4 years that I can now wear! Yay!
Tan, white, pink, black, and black/white. Wore the tan ones to work today and they felt great. A tiny bit snug in the waist, but as soon as I lose 4 or 5 more pounds, they will feel good I am sure. This is what the folks at MGH have been talking about -- not worrying so much about losing 25 pounds but celebrating how I am doing eating, drinking, taking vitamins and how I feel. I love wearing my old clothes!
Today is 3 weeks from surgery and my 2nd full day at work. I had a headache yesterday and today, it could be allergies or the rain, but I think I'm dehydrated. I think I have figured out how to eat and drink in my personal time, still have to figure it out at work. I'm not eating as often or as much at work, which sounds like a good thing, but translates to I'm just not eating, which really isn't good. And probably related to the headaches.
Hopefully I'll figure it out this week.
Tan, white, pink, black, and black/white. Wore the tan ones to work today and they felt great. A tiny bit snug in the waist, but as soon as I lose 4 or 5 more pounds, they will feel good I am sure. This is what the folks at MGH have been talking about -- not worrying so much about losing 25 pounds but celebrating how I am doing eating, drinking, taking vitamins and how I feel. I love wearing my old clothes!
Today is 3 weeks from surgery and my 2nd full day at work. I had a headache yesterday and today, it could be allergies or the rain, but I think I'm dehydrated. I think I have figured out how to eat and drink in my personal time, still have to figure it out at work. I'm not eating as often or as much at work, which sounds like a good thing, but translates to I'm just not eating, which really isn't good. And probably related to the headaches.
Hopefully I'll figure it out this week.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
24 pounds in 18 days!
Every time I get on the scale I can't believe my progress. I keep thinking it's going to be water, or because I didn't eat anything yesterday, or some other reason that will reverse itself. But so far so good.
MGH says they don't celebrate numbers, and it is more of a WW mentality than a "focus on how you are eating and how you feel" mentality, but damn, 24 pounds is pretty good!
I'm spending a lot of time thinking about food, shopping for food, eating food. I have various snacks with me at all times, in case I get hungry. Here's what I ate yesterday -- 2 scrambled eggs with shredded cheese, 1/2 protein shake, watermelon, cheese stick, 8 pieces of shashimi, 10 cherries. Went to see Jurassic Park with Sue and Liam and had a few pretzels with hummus. It really seems to be that I can eat about 5 or 6 bites of something at a time. And seems to be about 600- 800 calories.
The one down part of the day was taking Liam to Dunkin Donuts and getting a small soft serve ice cream cone. I planned on eating half and giving half to Buck, but then we decided to run an errand, so I ate 3/4 of it before throwing it away. Not good. Cramps and stomach pain for about 10 minutes. Totally not worth it. Lesson learned.
Still need to drink lots of water. Had a headache in the am because I wasn't hydrated. Another lesson learned.
Also went to the surgeon today. She said incisions look great. No blood clot in leg. Ok to swim!
My body is changing. At night I now turn off the a/c and have had to wear a fleece 2 nights this week. Unbelievable. It would be wonderful if I were more comfortable in warm/hot situations as a result of this surgery. What a bonus.
MGH says they don't celebrate numbers, and it is more of a WW mentality than a "focus on how you are eating and how you feel" mentality, but damn, 24 pounds is pretty good!
I'm spending a lot of time thinking about food, shopping for food, eating food. I have various snacks with me at all times, in case I get hungry. Here's what I ate yesterday -- 2 scrambled eggs with shredded cheese, 1/2 protein shake, watermelon, cheese stick, 8 pieces of shashimi, 10 cherries. Went to see Jurassic Park with Sue and Liam and had a few pretzels with hummus. It really seems to be that I can eat about 5 or 6 bites of something at a time. And seems to be about 600- 800 calories.
The one down part of the day was taking Liam to Dunkin Donuts and getting a small soft serve ice cream cone. I planned on eating half and giving half to Buck, but then we decided to run an errand, so I ate 3/4 of it before throwing it away. Not good. Cramps and stomach pain for about 10 minutes. Totally not worth it. Lesson learned.
Still need to drink lots of water. Had a headache in the am because I wasn't hydrated. Another lesson learned.
Also went to the surgeon today. She said incisions look great. No blood clot in leg. Ok to swim!
My body is changing. At night I now turn off the a/c and have had to wear a fleece 2 nights this week. Unbelievable. It would be wonderful if I were more comfortable in warm/hot situations as a result of this surgery. What a bonus.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
My khakis are falling off!
Wore them to work and kind of ridiculous how big they are. Fortunately I have many sizes of pants in my wardrobe, so will retire this pair and go down a size tomorrow. Good feeling!!!
Worked 12-4. Sitting was fine, but was tired. Took a nap from 4:30 - 8:00!
Went to my first Advanced Nutrition Group meeting today. (Have been to 2 Nutrition Group meetings already.) Today learned about stage 3 of diet -- protein!!!
Everyone who was in the group had surgery 2 weeks ago - same day as me. One guy was very proud to report that he had a Subway sub last week, as well as Chicken McNuggets. He began with, "I know you are going to scream at me, but..." While I was dying for food yesterday, I don't think I could have eaten a sub for $1M last week. (Maybe 1/2 a McNugget.)
What was really interesting was how the leader handled his true confession. She said, "I'm not going to scream at you. It's not good or bad. I'm glad you are ok. This is about your relationship with food." I was shocked. In every other weight loss program I've been in (too many to count), there would have been shame, guilt, judgment followed by a pep talk about getting back on the wagon and trying to have more willpower. None of that here. Heck, they even refer to this as your "weight loss prescription." It is all about what your body needs to heal.
Oh, and there's no competition. Yes, you get weighed in (honor system), and report it to the nutritionist on a form. But no one else knows, there's no clapping or pats on the back or gold stars. The focus is on are you getting your water? Taking your vitamins? Having any negative reactions? (nausea, pain, etc.) This is so different and so positive. Really kinda nice, though a little hard for me to not judge the Subway dude.
Here's what I learned today:
Chicken, turkey, fish, cheese, milk, eggs. The trick is that it needs to be very well chewed so that I can digest it easily. The stomach has 3 layers of muscle that mush up food, and without those muscles, I need to do more work before sending the food to my remaining stomach. Cutting it up into small pieces and chewing, chewing, chewing. Then, as long as my body responds well to the food, great, eat it. If not, then stop eating it.
I went to Whole Foods immediately after the meeting and bought cheese sticks, cottage cheese, hummus, sashimi, and eggs. Ate a cheese stick on the way to work and it was so good! Tiny bites, lots of chewing, no pain at all. Yay.
For lunch I had the shashimi. More tiny bits and lots of chewing. (This is how Nancy's dog Gretta eats by the way. Buck, not so much.) In the beginning it was good. As I sped up, not so good. A few stabs of sharp pain, lasted about 10 minutes. :( Lesson learned. Later in the day I had a 3 bites of cottage cheese and 3 bites of hummus, all good.
For dinner I had 2 scrambled eggs with some shredded cheese. Must have eaten too fast, or too much, because again sharp pain for several minutes. Both times I had pain I was multi-tasking, so probably need to focus while eating.
SF popsicles later on to help keep me hydrated. Still gotta do small bites though!
Meanwhile, I have about 20 protein shakes left! Think I'll try to keep drinking those for breakfast and an extra for a snack. Hard boiling some eggs now and will bring egg whites tomorrow, along with cottage cheese, hummus, yogurt, SF pudding and cheese sticks. I'll be gone all day (Liam's playoff baseball game tomorrow night, Yay Liam!) so need to bring lots of food to last the day. SF pudding rocks by the way. When is the last time you had pudding?
My body also needs carbs, so I'll add in veggies and fruit this weekend. (That's the Rx!) Cooked veggies first. No skin on fruits. I think watermelon is going to be my new BF. The nutritionist says there is little nutritional value in bread, rice and pasta, so those will be added in slowly. Kinda interesting.
Little meals. 4-5 bites max. Little bites. That's my mantra. Oh, and water, water, water.
Worked 12-4. Sitting was fine, but was tired. Took a nap from 4:30 - 8:00!
Went to my first Advanced Nutrition Group meeting today. (Have been to 2 Nutrition Group meetings already.) Today learned about stage 3 of diet -- protein!!!
Everyone who was in the group had surgery 2 weeks ago - same day as me. One guy was very proud to report that he had a Subway sub last week, as well as Chicken McNuggets. He began with, "I know you are going to scream at me, but..." While I was dying for food yesterday, I don't think I could have eaten a sub for $1M last week. (Maybe 1/2 a McNugget.)
What was really interesting was how the leader handled his true confession. She said, "I'm not going to scream at you. It's not good or bad. I'm glad you are ok. This is about your relationship with food." I was shocked. In every other weight loss program I've been in (too many to count), there would have been shame, guilt, judgment followed by a pep talk about getting back on the wagon and trying to have more willpower. None of that here. Heck, they even refer to this as your "weight loss prescription." It is all about what your body needs to heal.
Oh, and there's no competition. Yes, you get weighed in (honor system), and report it to the nutritionist on a form. But no one else knows, there's no clapping or pats on the back or gold stars. The focus is on are you getting your water? Taking your vitamins? Having any negative reactions? (nausea, pain, etc.) This is so different and so positive. Really kinda nice, though a little hard for me to not judge the Subway dude.
Here's what I learned today:
- 80% of my stomach is gone.
- I can still "feel" hungry. And yes my stomach can still rumble.
- Hunger isn't bad. It helps us survive! When I am hungry, I should eat. The trick is knowing the difference between feeling hungry and wanting to eat.
- Right now my body doesn't need me to eat any calories. It is getting all the calories it needs from my body fat.
- My body needs 2 things. One is water. Hydration is the most important thing right now. I'm not really sure why. Two is protein. My body needs protein to heal. If I don't feed it protein, it will take protein from my body, and that will break down muscle. Not good.
Chicken, turkey, fish, cheese, milk, eggs. The trick is that it needs to be very well chewed so that I can digest it easily. The stomach has 3 layers of muscle that mush up food, and without those muscles, I need to do more work before sending the food to my remaining stomach. Cutting it up into small pieces and chewing, chewing, chewing. Then, as long as my body responds well to the food, great, eat it. If not, then stop eating it.
I went to Whole Foods immediately after the meeting and bought cheese sticks, cottage cheese, hummus, sashimi, and eggs. Ate a cheese stick on the way to work and it was so good! Tiny bites, lots of chewing, no pain at all. Yay.
For lunch I had the shashimi. More tiny bits and lots of chewing. (This is how Nancy's dog Gretta eats by the way. Buck, not so much.) In the beginning it was good. As I sped up, not so good. A few stabs of sharp pain, lasted about 10 minutes. :( Lesson learned. Later in the day I had a 3 bites of cottage cheese and 3 bites of hummus, all good.
For dinner I had 2 scrambled eggs with some shredded cheese. Must have eaten too fast, or too much, because again sharp pain for several minutes. Both times I had pain I was multi-tasking, so probably need to focus while eating.
SF popsicles later on to help keep me hydrated. Still gotta do small bites though!
Meanwhile, I have about 20 protein shakes left! Think I'll try to keep drinking those for breakfast and an extra for a snack. Hard boiling some eggs now and will bring egg whites tomorrow, along with cottage cheese, hummus, yogurt, SF pudding and cheese sticks. I'll be gone all day (Liam's playoff baseball game tomorrow night, Yay Liam!) so need to bring lots of food to last the day. SF pudding rocks by the way. When is the last time you had pudding?
My body also needs carbs, so I'll add in veggies and fruit this weekend. (That's the Rx!) Cooked veggies first. No skin on fruits. I think watermelon is going to be my new BF. The nutritionist says there is little nutritional value in bread, rice and pasta, so those will be added in slowly. Kinda interesting.
Little meals. 4-5 bites max. Little bites. That's my mantra. Oh, and water, water, water.
2 weeks post surgery
It's been 2 weeks since my gastric sleeve surgery and I've lost 20 pounds! I almost just typed "surgery" instead of "gastric sleeve", but figured being typing it here makes sense, and I want to be open and honest about this journey. (I hate when people use the word journey to describe stuff like this, but it actually seems like a perfect description.)
Anyway, surgery was 2 weeks ago -- Tuesday, May 26, 2015. Same day Sue had an important doctor appointment, but I won't go into that because it's her story to tell, not mine. I focused so much time and energy worrying about freaking out before and during surgery, and I was fine (thank you wonderful team and wonderful drugs.) But I forgot to worry about freaking out after surgery. Boy, Tuesday night wasn't pretty. The phrase "caged-animal" was used more than once. Thank God for Stacey for being such a kind, patient, understanding, amazing friend. I never could have done it without her. And Thank God for Sue. Even the nurse told Sue she couldn't have handled me without Sue!
Ever since I was a little girl Sue has provided protection and comfort, and when I was in the midst of panicking & throwing up, the only one I wanted was Sue. And she was there, rubbing my back, telling my to breath, telling me it would be ok. Love you Sue.
I was scheduled to go home on Wednesday the 27th, but developed internal bleeding so ended up staying until Friday the 29th. High red blood count and low white blood count. Constant tests, change of meds, iron pills. Trying to avoid transfusion or more surgery.
Despite the nurses constantly commenting that I had the only room in the hospital with a view of the Charles River, four nights in the hospital stinks. I think I was ok with staying Wednesday night, but think I cried Thursday when then said "one more night." (Stacey was there at this point, I think, so she can fact check me!)
Here's what I remember from the Hospital:
1. Panic attacks. Big time. These seem to be a new thing in the past year. Annoying. Embarrassing. Jeesh.
2. Sue. Stacey. Deborah. Grace. Nancy. Marisa. I couldn't ask for more caring, wonderful, patient, supportive sisters and friends.
3. Nurses rock. Seriously. I never got it. Now I do.
4. I didn't realize how nice it was to have someone sitting there when you fall asleep and still there when you wake up. Get that now, too.
5. Oxy. Some highs, some lows. Lots of slurred words, lost memories, and crazy texts. At least I didn't drunk-text work or old boyfriends! Oxy, we are never, ever, ever getting back together.
Friday wonderful sister Nancy arrived at the Hospital to bring me home, fill and organize lots of Rxs, buy an emergency fan due to a/c not working at home, and provide general safety, TLC and back rubbing when panic attack 2 (or 3?) of the journey set in because when doctor wouldn't fill anxiety medicine. Even slept on lumpy couch listening to annoying sounds of city traffic. Today I began "eating" -- 24 ounces of water, crystal light or jello. 24 ounces of clear broth, protein shake, or yogurt.
Saturday is really a blur. Blame it on the Oxy. I do remember Marisa visiting. Possibly Grace. Possibly Stacey. Possibly others. Yikes.
Sunday. Not pretty. Charlotte painted my toes. Jen & Bill delivered cute goodies. Grace was here. So were Stacey and Deb. Many caregivers conferenced and agreed it wasn't safe for me to stay home alone (with my friend Oxy) so sisters brought me to parents for safekeeping.
Monday. Wilmington. Joanie hurt her back, so I delivered breakfast and lunch in bed, changed her ice packs, made dinner for Franko, and began weaning off Oxy. Many crazy texts to friends.
Tuesday. One week since surgery. Lost 14 lbs -- hard to believe. In Wilmington. More ice for Joanie, though she was feeling better. Sat through a looonggg dinner and ate too much tomato soup. Horrible night trying to sleep or get comfortable. Listened to meditation 3 times. Prayed a few times. Laid on the bathroom floor for a few hours, realized that this is what over-eating feels like (hell). Wish I could say something dramatic like I flushed the oxy this night, but we will save that scene for when Sandra Bullock plays me in 7 nights of Oxy. I took a video at 4:30am of the birds chirping and the sun coming up. Slept for a few hours, then Joanie drove me to Wellesley to meet sisters at therapy. If I can last 90 minutes in a car during rush hour traffic with Joanie on just Tylenol, I can do anything. Even worked a few hours from home.
Wednesday. Therapy with sisters and Hila. Often emotional but we always get through it. Worked from home a few hours. Walked around condo a bit. Feel good but have a HUGE bruise on my stomach. Oh, and Jell-O is delicious!
Thursday was so nice to be home. My own bed. Worked some. Walked around some. Facetimed with Liam. Hard to get comfortable, hard to sleep. Lots of pills to manage. Thanks to Grace for visiting and taking out my trash. :) Thanks to Dave for visiting and hanging out.
Friday. Worked some. Still hard to get comfortable. Eating and drinking really doesn't seem to be a big deal with the eating/drinking. Not much nausea. Not particularly hard to swallow.
Saturday. Happy Birthday Sue! Slept 10pm - 8am. Feel like a new woman!!! Figured out that I was eating too much at one time, need to eat more often but smaller portions, and this allows me to sleep. Got my haircut. Driving and sitting so long was uncomfortable. Went to Nancy & Sue's to hang, was nice to see everyone plus Liam and doggies. Chinese Food for Sue's bday. I had miso soup, minus seaweed and tofu. I would have LOVED an eggroll or lo mein or rice -- or anything really. And man did it smell good. But I persevered. (Kept remembering dietician saying that eating ANYTHING could cause staples to burst, and I really don't want that to happen.) Came home and bought sugar free popsicles as a treat. Long way from Ben & Jerry's as a treat! Figured out that I was taking too much B-12 which was causing pain/tingling in hands which was interrupting sleep.
Sunday. DeeDee visited, so nice to just chill and talk and catch up. Then Nate and Stacey visited. Played Uno and colored and ate lunch. Took walk to Starbucks. Picked up homemade broth from Deborah, Charlotte painted my toes again (pink with silver sparkles on big toes.) Broth is soooooo yummy!!! Overdid it a bit yesterday driving, haircut, in Medfield so one of my incisions is sore. Feels good if I put a little pressure on it. Washed to make sure wasn't infected. Went to CVS to get supplies, talked to pharmacist who looked at it, said it looked fine, recommended tying long-sleeve shirt around my waist to provide a bit of compression. Felt really good! DeeDee is worried I might lose so much weight I won't stop -- ha ha!
Monday. 20 lbs down! Haven't weighed this in 2 years. Feels hard to believe that I've lost that much. Worked all day from home. Feel really good. Still a little bit hard to sit for long time so kept shirt tied. Worked from couch with legs extended. I am HUNGRY today. HUNGRY. Not head hunger, but stomach hunger. I swear my stomach is growling. Is that possible? I honestly don't know. Tomorrow is nutrition group where I'll find out what I can eat in next stage, so that will be interesting. I want a piece of chicken, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, spinach soufflé -- just something semi-real. (Wouldn't mind a muffin either.) Friday I get stitches out (assuming everything is ok.)
My bathroom floor revelation of this week is how amazing the body is. Two weeks ago I was high as a kite and bleeding internally, panicking and puking and miserable. One week ago I was laying on the bathroom floor miserable and had a bruise the size of a man's foot on my stomach. Today, my bruise is practically gone, I'm going to bed in a few minutes and going to work tomorrow, and feeling pretty darn good.
Ok, so that's a recap of the past 2 weeks. All posts won't be this long, promise. I think writing this will help me focus on my goal, my journey (ha ha), my progress. And hopefully when I don't feel as good or positive as I do, re-reading this will help get me through.
I am not doing the classic "before" photos. And you probably won't see my stomach again. Maybe you'll see some photos this summer, we'll see. I'm really not focusing on how I look, but instead how I feel in my body, in my clothes, and in my head.
P.S. It is 10:15, my stomach was rumbling, I had 5 bites of sf pudding, feel good. I guess this is what it is like when people share a pint of Ben & Jerry's, or God forbid eat 1/2 and put the rest back!
Anyway, surgery was 2 weeks ago -- Tuesday, May 26, 2015. Same day Sue had an important doctor appointment, but I won't go into that because it's her story to tell, not mine. I focused so much time and energy worrying about freaking out before and during surgery, and I was fine (thank you wonderful team and wonderful drugs.) But I forgot to worry about freaking out after surgery. Boy, Tuesday night wasn't pretty. The phrase "caged-animal" was used more than once. Thank God for Stacey for being such a kind, patient, understanding, amazing friend. I never could have done it without her. And Thank God for Sue. Even the nurse told Sue she couldn't have handled me without Sue!
Ever since I was a little girl Sue has provided protection and comfort, and when I was in the midst of panicking & throwing up, the only one I wanted was Sue. And she was there, rubbing my back, telling my to breath, telling me it would be ok. Love you Sue.
I was scheduled to go home on Wednesday the 27th, but developed internal bleeding so ended up staying until Friday the 29th. High red blood count and low white blood count. Constant tests, change of meds, iron pills. Trying to avoid transfusion or more surgery.Despite the nurses constantly commenting that I had the only room in the hospital with a view of the Charles River, four nights in the hospital stinks. I think I was ok with staying Wednesday night, but think I cried Thursday when then said "one more night." (Stacey was there at this point, I think, so she can fact check me!)
Here's what I remember from the Hospital:
1. Panic attacks. Big time. These seem to be a new thing in the past year. Annoying. Embarrassing. Jeesh.
2. Sue. Stacey. Deborah. Grace. Nancy. Marisa. I couldn't ask for more caring, wonderful, patient, supportive sisters and friends.
3. Nurses rock. Seriously. I never got it. Now I do.
4. I didn't realize how nice it was to have someone sitting there when you fall asleep and still there when you wake up. Get that now, too.
5. Oxy. Some highs, some lows. Lots of slurred words, lost memories, and crazy texts. At least I didn't drunk-text work or old boyfriends! Oxy, we are never, ever, ever getting back together.
Friday wonderful sister Nancy arrived at the Hospital to bring me home, fill and organize lots of Rxs, buy an emergency fan due to a/c not working at home, and provide general safety, TLC and back rubbing when panic attack 2 (or 3?) of the journey set in because when doctor wouldn't fill anxiety medicine. Even slept on lumpy couch listening to annoying sounds of city traffic. Today I began "eating" -- 24 ounces of water, crystal light or jello. 24 ounces of clear broth, protein shake, or yogurt.
Saturday is really a blur. Blame it on the Oxy. I do remember Marisa visiting. Possibly Grace. Possibly Stacey. Possibly others. Yikes.
Sunday. Not pretty. Charlotte painted my toes. Jen & Bill delivered cute goodies. Grace was here. So were Stacey and Deb. Many caregivers conferenced and agreed it wasn't safe for me to stay home alone (with my friend Oxy) so sisters brought me to parents for safekeeping.
Monday. Wilmington. Joanie hurt her back, so I delivered breakfast and lunch in bed, changed her ice packs, made dinner for Franko, and began weaning off Oxy. Many crazy texts to friends.
Tuesday. One week since surgery. Lost 14 lbs -- hard to believe. In Wilmington. More ice for Joanie, though she was feeling better. Sat through a looonggg dinner and ate too much tomato soup. Horrible night trying to sleep or get comfortable. Listened to meditation 3 times. Prayed a few times. Laid on the bathroom floor for a few hours, realized that this is what over-eating feels like (hell). Wish I could say something dramatic like I flushed the oxy this night, but we will save that scene for when Sandra Bullock plays me in 7 nights of Oxy. I took a video at 4:30am of the birds chirping and the sun coming up. Slept for a few hours, then Joanie drove me to Wellesley to meet sisters at therapy. If I can last 90 minutes in a car during rush hour traffic with Joanie on just Tylenol, I can do anything. Even worked a few hours from home.
Wednesday. Therapy with sisters and Hila. Often emotional but we always get through it. Worked from home a few hours. Walked around condo a bit. Feel good but have a HUGE bruise on my stomach. Oh, and Jell-O is delicious!Thursday was so nice to be home. My own bed. Worked some. Walked around some. Facetimed with Liam. Hard to get comfortable, hard to sleep. Lots of pills to manage. Thanks to Grace for visiting and taking out my trash. :) Thanks to Dave for visiting and hanging out.
Friday. Worked some. Still hard to get comfortable. Eating and drinking really doesn't seem to be a big deal with the eating/drinking. Not much nausea. Not particularly hard to swallow.
Saturday. Happy Birthday Sue! Slept 10pm - 8am. Feel like a new woman!!! Figured out that I was eating too much at one time, need to eat more often but smaller portions, and this allows me to sleep. Got my haircut. Driving and sitting so long was uncomfortable. Went to Nancy & Sue's to hang, was nice to see everyone plus Liam and doggies. Chinese Food for Sue's bday. I had miso soup, minus seaweed and tofu. I would have LOVED an eggroll or lo mein or rice -- or anything really. And man did it smell good. But I persevered. (Kept remembering dietician saying that eating ANYTHING could cause staples to burst, and I really don't want that to happen.) Came home and bought sugar free popsicles as a treat. Long way from Ben & Jerry's as a treat! Figured out that I was taking too much B-12 which was causing pain/tingling in hands which was interrupting sleep.
Sunday. DeeDee visited, so nice to just chill and talk and catch up. Then Nate and Stacey visited. Played Uno and colored and ate lunch. Took walk to Starbucks. Picked up homemade broth from Deborah, Charlotte painted my toes again (pink with silver sparkles on big toes.) Broth is soooooo yummy!!! Overdid it a bit yesterday driving, haircut, in Medfield so one of my incisions is sore. Feels good if I put a little pressure on it. Washed to make sure wasn't infected. Went to CVS to get supplies, talked to pharmacist who looked at it, said it looked fine, recommended tying long-sleeve shirt around my waist to provide a bit of compression. Felt really good! DeeDee is worried I might lose so much weight I won't stop -- ha ha!
Monday. 20 lbs down! Haven't weighed this in 2 years. Feels hard to believe that I've lost that much. Worked all day from home. Feel really good. Still a little bit hard to sit for long time so kept shirt tied. Worked from couch with legs extended. I am HUNGRY today. HUNGRY. Not head hunger, but stomach hunger. I swear my stomach is growling. Is that possible? I honestly don't know. Tomorrow is nutrition group where I'll find out what I can eat in next stage, so that will be interesting. I want a piece of chicken, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, spinach soufflé -- just something semi-real. (Wouldn't mind a muffin either.) Friday I get stitches out (assuming everything is ok.)
My bathroom floor revelation of this week is how amazing the body is. Two weeks ago I was high as a kite and bleeding internally, panicking and puking and miserable. One week ago I was laying on the bathroom floor miserable and had a bruise the size of a man's foot on my stomach. Today, my bruise is practically gone, I'm going to bed in a few minutes and going to work tomorrow, and feeling pretty darn good.
Ok, so that's a recap of the past 2 weeks. All posts won't be this long, promise. I think writing this will help me focus on my goal, my journey (ha ha), my progress. And hopefully when I don't feel as good or positive as I do, re-reading this will help get me through.
I am not doing the classic "before" photos. And you probably won't see my stomach again. Maybe you'll see some photos this summer, we'll see. I'm really not focusing on how I look, but instead how I feel in my body, in my clothes, and in my head.
P.S. It is 10:15, my stomach was rumbling, I had 5 bites of sf pudding, feel good. I guess this is what it is like when people share a pint of Ben & Jerry's, or God forbid eat 1/2 and put the rest back!
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