Had another work thing I had to go to last night -- a Lions club meeting in Woburn with one of my colleagues. I don't love doing work things at night, though it is part of my job so shouldn't complain.
This was at a hotel in Woburn and they were serving steak, baked potatoes, rolls, and baked beans. And Boston Cream Pie. The last thing I wanted to do was get sick, so I made sure I had some hummus & pretzels in the afternoon so I wasn't hungry. I did ok! Had 3 or 4 bites of steak, same on the potato, and that was it. If I could have snuck the rest of the steak home in my purse for the dogs I would have, but the waitress took my plate too quickly.
But I did it. Didn't eat too much or too fast. It wasn't killing me sitting there not eating the food on my plate. Had water while the guys had beer which was also fine. The guys were very, very funny so it actually turned into a pretty good night. (I actually haven't laughed that hard in a while.) Got home and had a SF fudgsicle, so all was good.
I'm tired today after being out and "on" two nights in a row, so will take it easy tonight.
I'm stuck at 25lbs but trying not to worry about it too much. One month and 25lbs is pretty good, and all of the blogs and message boards talk about people getting stalled, just keep with the water and protein, and having faith that the loss will come.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Not for the faint of heart
Yesterday I started to feel more like myself, didn't feel tired/achy/out of it. Finally. Really haven't been able to eat much of anything for the past week, and nothing has appealed to me. Just don't feel interested in eating. Is this how thin people feel all the time?
Today I was hungry and really felt like myself. Yay. I had tofu for breakfast, cheese stick snack, shashimi for lunch, watermelon for a snack, and by 4:00 my stomach was rumbling and I was legitimately hungry. I didn't have any snacks and had to go to a cocktail party after work. I had 2 mini-crab cakes and some water. Still have no interest in alcohol.
I got home at 7:00 and was starving. I ate 4 small shrimp cocktail and a few bites of quinoa. I could tell I was full so stopped eating. About 3 minutes later I could feel...well...it coming back up. :( I made it to the kitchen sink, so that's good.
Throwing up now is a very different sensation -- it just happens, super fast, then it's over. I feel like in the past puking was more of an all-body experience, with my stomach contracting and more of an effort. Now it doesn't seem to come from my stomach, it's more like the food is in my esophagus and has nowhere to go, so comes back up. Now I'm sitting here wondering, "Am I hungry? Should I eat? Did I throw it all up?" I guess I'll just chill and see how I feel in a little bit. And start bringing more food with me. And stop eating too fast.
Today I was hungry and really felt like myself. Yay. I had tofu for breakfast, cheese stick snack, shashimi for lunch, watermelon for a snack, and by 4:00 my stomach was rumbling and I was legitimately hungry. I didn't have any snacks and had to go to a cocktail party after work. I had 2 mini-crab cakes and some water. Still have no interest in alcohol.
I got home at 7:00 and was starving. I ate 4 small shrimp cocktail and a few bites of quinoa. I could tell I was full so stopped eating. About 3 minutes later I could feel...well...it coming back up. :( I made it to the kitchen sink, so that's good.
Throwing up now is a very different sensation -- it just happens, super fast, then it's over. I feel like in the past puking was more of an all-body experience, with my stomach contracting and more of an effort. Now it doesn't seem to come from my stomach, it's more like the food is in my esophagus and has nowhere to go, so comes back up. Now I'm sitting here wondering, "Am I hungry? Should I eat? Did I throw it all up?" I guess I'll just chill and see how I feel in a little bit. And start bringing more food with me. And stop eating too fast.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Rough week
I had a headache all week. Started Monday morning. At first I thought it was because I was dehydrated, or because it's been rainy, but when it wasn't gone by Wednesday I called the doctor.
Went to the doctor on Thursday who said my body has been through "significant trauma" and the migraine is stress related. I'm also anemic (apparently it takes 6-8 weeks for the body to replace lost blood cells), so that doesn't help either. I got medicine for both and went home to bed. Worked with my lights off at work, and kept the shades pulled at home. Headache about 50% better Friday, and way better Saturday. I didn't have much of an appetite all week either, so it was kind of hard to eat. Kind of a crappy week.
Nice weekend though! Went strawberry picking with Stacey, Dave and Nate. We had a picnic in the shade, listened to music, and played Nate's favorite game Uno. Was nice to be out in the fresh air. My stomach doesn't feel that good, but we had a nice time anyway.
It's Sunday night now. Hoping this will be a better week. Tuesday is one month since surgery, and Friday is another nutrition group. I'm really wondering when I will feel like myself again.
Went to the doctor on Thursday who said my body has been through "significant trauma" and the migraine is stress related. I'm also anemic (apparently it takes 6-8 weeks for the body to replace lost blood cells), so that doesn't help either. I got medicine for both and went home to bed. Worked with my lights off at work, and kept the shades pulled at home. Headache about 50% better Friday, and way better Saturday. I didn't have much of an appetite all week either, so it was kind of hard to eat. Kind of a crappy week.
Nice weekend though! Went strawberry picking with Stacey, Dave and Nate. We had a picnic in the shade, listened to music, and played Nate's favorite game Uno. Was nice to be out in the fresh air. My stomach doesn't feel that good, but we had a nice time anyway.
It's Sunday night now. Hoping this will be a better week. Tuesday is one month since surgery, and Friday is another nutrition group. I'm really wondering when I will feel like myself again.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Let there be Linen
I went pant shopping last night -- in my closet. I have 5 pairs of linen pants that I haven't been able to wear for 3 or 4 years that I can now wear! Yay!
Tan, white, pink, black, and black/white. Wore the tan ones to work today and they felt great. A tiny bit snug in the waist, but as soon as I lose 4 or 5 more pounds, they will feel good I am sure. This is what the folks at MGH have been talking about -- not worrying so much about losing 25 pounds but celebrating how I am doing eating, drinking, taking vitamins and how I feel. I love wearing my old clothes!
Today is 3 weeks from surgery and my 2nd full day at work. I had a headache yesterday and today, it could be allergies or the rain, but I think I'm dehydrated. I think I have figured out how to eat and drink in my personal time, still have to figure it out at work. I'm not eating as often or as much at work, which sounds like a good thing, but translates to I'm just not eating, which really isn't good. And probably related to the headaches.
Hopefully I'll figure it out this week.
Tan, white, pink, black, and black/white. Wore the tan ones to work today and they felt great. A tiny bit snug in the waist, but as soon as I lose 4 or 5 more pounds, they will feel good I am sure. This is what the folks at MGH have been talking about -- not worrying so much about losing 25 pounds but celebrating how I am doing eating, drinking, taking vitamins and how I feel. I love wearing my old clothes!
Today is 3 weeks from surgery and my 2nd full day at work. I had a headache yesterday and today, it could be allergies or the rain, but I think I'm dehydrated. I think I have figured out how to eat and drink in my personal time, still have to figure it out at work. I'm not eating as often or as much at work, which sounds like a good thing, but translates to I'm just not eating, which really isn't good. And probably related to the headaches.
Hopefully I'll figure it out this week.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
24 pounds in 18 days!
Every time I get on the scale I can't believe my progress. I keep thinking it's going to be water, or because I didn't eat anything yesterday, or some other reason that will reverse itself. But so far so good.
MGH says they don't celebrate numbers, and it is more of a WW mentality than a "focus on how you are eating and how you feel" mentality, but damn, 24 pounds is pretty good!
I'm spending a lot of time thinking about food, shopping for food, eating food. I have various snacks with me at all times, in case I get hungry. Here's what I ate yesterday -- 2 scrambled eggs with shredded cheese, 1/2 protein shake, watermelon, cheese stick, 8 pieces of shashimi, 10 cherries. Went to see Jurassic Park with Sue and Liam and had a few pretzels with hummus. It really seems to be that I can eat about 5 or 6 bites of something at a time. And seems to be about 600- 800 calories.
The one down part of the day was taking Liam to Dunkin Donuts and getting a small soft serve ice cream cone. I planned on eating half and giving half to Buck, but then we decided to run an errand, so I ate 3/4 of it before throwing it away. Not good. Cramps and stomach pain for about 10 minutes. Totally not worth it. Lesson learned.
Still need to drink lots of water. Had a headache in the am because I wasn't hydrated. Another lesson learned.
Also went to the surgeon today. She said incisions look great. No blood clot in leg. Ok to swim!
My body is changing. At night I now turn off the a/c and have had to wear a fleece 2 nights this week. Unbelievable. It would be wonderful if I were more comfortable in warm/hot situations as a result of this surgery. What a bonus.
MGH says they don't celebrate numbers, and it is more of a WW mentality than a "focus on how you are eating and how you feel" mentality, but damn, 24 pounds is pretty good!
I'm spending a lot of time thinking about food, shopping for food, eating food. I have various snacks with me at all times, in case I get hungry. Here's what I ate yesterday -- 2 scrambled eggs with shredded cheese, 1/2 protein shake, watermelon, cheese stick, 8 pieces of shashimi, 10 cherries. Went to see Jurassic Park with Sue and Liam and had a few pretzels with hummus. It really seems to be that I can eat about 5 or 6 bites of something at a time. And seems to be about 600- 800 calories.
The one down part of the day was taking Liam to Dunkin Donuts and getting a small soft serve ice cream cone. I planned on eating half and giving half to Buck, but then we decided to run an errand, so I ate 3/4 of it before throwing it away. Not good. Cramps and stomach pain for about 10 minutes. Totally not worth it. Lesson learned.
Still need to drink lots of water. Had a headache in the am because I wasn't hydrated. Another lesson learned.
Also went to the surgeon today. She said incisions look great. No blood clot in leg. Ok to swim!
My body is changing. At night I now turn off the a/c and have had to wear a fleece 2 nights this week. Unbelievable. It would be wonderful if I were more comfortable in warm/hot situations as a result of this surgery. What a bonus.
Tuesday, June 9, 2015
My khakis are falling off!
Wore them to work and kind of ridiculous how big they are. Fortunately I have many sizes of pants in my wardrobe, so will retire this pair and go down a size tomorrow. Good feeling!!!
Worked 12-4. Sitting was fine, but was tired. Took a nap from 4:30 - 8:00!
Went to my first Advanced Nutrition Group meeting today. (Have been to 2 Nutrition Group meetings already.) Today learned about stage 3 of diet -- protein!!!
Everyone who was in the group had surgery 2 weeks ago - same day as me. One guy was very proud to report that he had a Subway sub last week, as well as Chicken McNuggets. He began with, "I know you are going to scream at me, but..." While I was dying for food yesterday, I don't think I could have eaten a sub for $1M last week. (Maybe 1/2 a McNugget.)
What was really interesting was how the leader handled his true confession. She said, "I'm not going to scream at you. It's not good or bad. I'm glad you are ok. This is about your relationship with food." I was shocked. In every other weight loss program I've been in (too many to count), there would have been shame, guilt, judgment followed by a pep talk about getting back on the wagon and trying to have more willpower. None of that here. Heck, they even refer to this as your "weight loss prescription." It is all about what your body needs to heal.
Oh, and there's no competition. Yes, you get weighed in (honor system), and report it to the nutritionist on a form. But no one else knows, there's no clapping or pats on the back or gold stars. The focus is on are you getting your water? Taking your vitamins? Having any negative reactions? (nausea, pain, etc.) This is so different and so positive. Really kinda nice, though a little hard for me to not judge the Subway dude.
Here's what I learned today:
Chicken, turkey, fish, cheese, milk, eggs. The trick is that it needs to be very well chewed so that I can digest it easily. The stomach has 3 layers of muscle that mush up food, and without those muscles, I need to do more work before sending the food to my remaining stomach. Cutting it up into small pieces and chewing, chewing, chewing. Then, as long as my body responds well to the food, great, eat it. If not, then stop eating it.
I went to Whole Foods immediately after the meeting and bought cheese sticks, cottage cheese, hummus, sashimi, and eggs. Ate a cheese stick on the way to work and it was so good! Tiny bites, lots of chewing, no pain at all. Yay.
For lunch I had the shashimi. More tiny bits and lots of chewing. (This is how Nancy's dog Gretta eats by the way. Buck, not so much.) In the beginning it was good. As I sped up, not so good. A few stabs of sharp pain, lasted about 10 minutes. :( Lesson learned. Later in the day I had a 3 bites of cottage cheese and 3 bites of hummus, all good.
For dinner I had 2 scrambled eggs with some shredded cheese. Must have eaten too fast, or too much, because again sharp pain for several minutes. Both times I had pain I was multi-tasking, so probably need to focus while eating.
SF popsicles later on to help keep me hydrated. Still gotta do small bites though!
Meanwhile, I have about 20 protein shakes left! Think I'll try to keep drinking those for breakfast and an extra for a snack. Hard boiling some eggs now and will bring egg whites tomorrow, along with cottage cheese, hummus, yogurt, SF pudding and cheese sticks. I'll be gone all day (Liam's playoff baseball game tomorrow night, Yay Liam!) so need to bring lots of food to last the day. SF pudding rocks by the way. When is the last time you had pudding?
My body also needs carbs, so I'll add in veggies and fruit this weekend. (That's the Rx!) Cooked veggies first. No skin on fruits. I think watermelon is going to be my new BF. The nutritionist says there is little nutritional value in bread, rice and pasta, so those will be added in slowly. Kinda interesting.
Little meals. 4-5 bites max. Little bites. That's my mantra. Oh, and water, water, water.
Worked 12-4. Sitting was fine, but was tired. Took a nap from 4:30 - 8:00!
Went to my first Advanced Nutrition Group meeting today. (Have been to 2 Nutrition Group meetings already.) Today learned about stage 3 of diet -- protein!!!
Everyone who was in the group had surgery 2 weeks ago - same day as me. One guy was very proud to report that he had a Subway sub last week, as well as Chicken McNuggets. He began with, "I know you are going to scream at me, but..." While I was dying for food yesterday, I don't think I could have eaten a sub for $1M last week. (Maybe 1/2 a McNugget.)
What was really interesting was how the leader handled his true confession. She said, "I'm not going to scream at you. It's not good or bad. I'm glad you are ok. This is about your relationship with food." I was shocked. In every other weight loss program I've been in (too many to count), there would have been shame, guilt, judgment followed by a pep talk about getting back on the wagon and trying to have more willpower. None of that here. Heck, they even refer to this as your "weight loss prescription." It is all about what your body needs to heal.
Oh, and there's no competition. Yes, you get weighed in (honor system), and report it to the nutritionist on a form. But no one else knows, there's no clapping or pats on the back or gold stars. The focus is on are you getting your water? Taking your vitamins? Having any negative reactions? (nausea, pain, etc.) This is so different and so positive. Really kinda nice, though a little hard for me to not judge the Subway dude.
Here's what I learned today:
- 80% of my stomach is gone.
- I can still "feel" hungry. And yes my stomach can still rumble.
- Hunger isn't bad. It helps us survive! When I am hungry, I should eat. The trick is knowing the difference between feeling hungry and wanting to eat.
- Right now my body doesn't need me to eat any calories. It is getting all the calories it needs from my body fat.
- My body needs 2 things. One is water. Hydration is the most important thing right now. I'm not really sure why. Two is protein. My body needs protein to heal. If I don't feed it protein, it will take protein from my body, and that will break down muscle. Not good.
Chicken, turkey, fish, cheese, milk, eggs. The trick is that it needs to be very well chewed so that I can digest it easily. The stomach has 3 layers of muscle that mush up food, and without those muscles, I need to do more work before sending the food to my remaining stomach. Cutting it up into small pieces and chewing, chewing, chewing. Then, as long as my body responds well to the food, great, eat it. If not, then stop eating it.
I went to Whole Foods immediately after the meeting and bought cheese sticks, cottage cheese, hummus, sashimi, and eggs. Ate a cheese stick on the way to work and it was so good! Tiny bites, lots of chewing, no pain at all. Yay.
For lunch I had the shashimi. More tiny bits and lots of chewing. (This is how Nancy's dog Gretta eats by the way. Buck, not so much.) In the beginning it was good. As I sped up, not so good. A few stabs of sharp pain, lasted about 10 minutes. :( Lesson learned. Later in the day I had a 3 bites of cottage cheese and 3 bites of hummus, all good.
For dinner I had 2 scrambled eggs with some shredded cheese. Must have eaten too fast, or too much, because again sharp pain for several minutes. Both times I had pain I was multi-tasking, so probably need to focus while eating.
SF popsicles later on to help keep me hydrated. Still gotta do small bites though!
Meanwhile, I have about 20 protein shakes left! Think I'll try to keep drinking those for breakfast and an extra for a snack. Hard boiling some eggs now and will bring egg whites tomorrow, along with cottage cheese, hummus, yogurt, SF pudding and cheese sticks. I'll be gone all day (Liam's playoff baseball game tomorrow night, Yay Liam!) so need to bring lots of food to last the day. SF pudding rocks by the way. When is the last time you had pudding?
My body also needs carbs, so I'll add in veggies and fruit this weekend. (That's the Rx!) Cooked veggies first. No skin on fruits. I think watermelon is going to be my new BF. The nutritionist says there is little nutritional value in bread, rice and pasta, so those will be added in slowly. Kinda interesting.
Little meals. 4-5 bites max. Little bites. That's my mantra. Oh, and water, water, water.
2 weeks post surgery
It's been 2 weeks since my gastric sleeve surgery and I've lost 20 pounds! I almost just typed "surgery" instead of "gastric sleeve", but figured being typing it here makes sense, and I want to be open and honest about this journey. (I hate when people use the word journey to describe stuff like this, but it actually seems like a perfect description.)
Anyway, surgery was 2 weeks ago -- Tuesday, May 26, 2015. Same day Sue had an important doctor appointment, but I won't go into that because it's her story to tell, not mine. I focused so much time and energy worrying about freaking out before and during surgery, and I was fine (thank you wonderful team and wonderful drugs.) But I forgot to worry about freaking out after surgery. Boy, Tuesday night wasn't pretty. The phrase "caged-animal" was used more than once. Thank God for Stacey for being such a kind, patient, understanding, amazing friend. I never could have done it without her. And Thank God for Sue. Even the nurse told Sue she couldn't have handled me without Sue!
Ever since I was a little girl Sue has provided protection and comfort, and when I was in the midst of panicking & throwing up, the only one I wanted was Sue. And she was there, rubbing my back, telling my to breath, telling me it would be ok. Love you Sue.
I was scheduled to go home on Wednesday the 27th, but developed internal bleeding so ended up staying until Friday the 29th. High red blood count and low white blood count. Constant tests, change of meds, iron pills. Trying to avoid transfusion or more surgery.
Despite the nurses constantly commenting that I had the only room in the hospital with a view of the Charles River, four nights in the hospital stinks. I think I was ok with staying Wednesday night, but think I cried Thursday when then said "one more night." (Stacey was there at this point, I think, so she can fact check me!)
Here's what I remember from the Hospital:
1. Panic attacks. Big time. These seem to be a new thing in the past year. Annoying. Embarrassing. Jeesh.
2. Sue. Stacey. Deborah. Grace. Nancy. Marisa. I couldn't ask for more caring, wonderful, patient, supportive sisters and friends.
3. Nurses rock. Seriously. I never got it. Now I do.
4. I didn't realize how nice it was to have someone sitting there when you fall asleep and still there when you wake up. Get that now, too.
5. Oxy. Some highs, some lows. Lots of slurred words, lost memories, and crazy texts. At least I didn't drunk-text work or old boyfriends! Oxy, we are never, ever, ever getting back together.
Friday wonderful sister Nancy arrived at the Hospital to bring me home, fill and organize lots of Rxs, buy an emergency fan due to a/c not working at home, and provide general safety, TLC and back rubbing when panic attack 2 (or 3?) of the journey set in because when doctor wouldn't fill anxiety medicine. Even slept on lumpy couch listening to annoying sounds of city traffic. Today I began "eating" -- 24 ounces of water, crystal light or jello. 24 ounces of clear broth, protein shake, or yogurt.
Saturday is really a blur. Blame it on the Oxy. I do remember Marisa visiting. Possibly Grace. Possibly Stacey. Possibly others. Yikes.
Sunday. Not pretty. Charlotte painted my toes. Jen & Bill delivered cute goodies. Grace was here. So were Stacey and Deb. Many caregivers conferenced and agreed it wasn't safe for me to stay home alone (with my friend Oxy) so sisters brought me to parents for safekeeping.
Monday. Wilmington. Joanie hurt her back, so I delivered breakfast and lunch in bed, changed her ice packs, made dinner for Franko, and began weaning off Oxy. Many crazy texts to friends.
Tuesday. One week since surgery. Lost 14 lbs -- hard to believe. In Wilmington. More ice for Joanie, though she was feeling better. Sat through a looonggg dinner and ate too much tomato soup. Horrible night trying to sleep or get comfortable. Listened to meditation 3 times. Prayed a few times. Laid on the bathroom floor for a few hours, realized that this is what over-eating feels like (hell). Wish I could say something dramatic like I flushed the oxy this night, but we will save that scene for when Sandra Bullock plays me in 7 nights of Oxy. I took a video at 4:30am of the birds chirping and the sun coming up. Slept for a few hours, then Joanie drove me to Wellesley to meet sisters at therapy. If I can last 90 minutes in a car during rush hour traffic with Joanie on just Tylenol, I can do anything. Even worked a few hours from home.
Wednesday. Therapy with sisters and Hila. Often emotional but we always get through it. Worked from home a few hours. Walked around condo a bit. Feel good but have a HUGE bruise on my stomach. Oh, and Jell-O is delicious!
Thursday was so nice to be home. My own bed. Worked some. Walked around some. Facetimed with Liam. Hard to get comfortable, hard to sleep. Lots of pills to manage. Thanks to Grace for visiting and taking out my trash. :) Thanks to Dave for visiting and hanging out.
Friday. Worked some. Still hard to get comfortable. Eating and drinking really doesn't seem to be a big deal with the eating/drinking. Not much nausea. Not particularly hard to swallow.
Saturday. Happy Birthday Sue! Slept 10pm - 8am. Feel like a new woman!!! Figured out that I was eating too much at one time, need to eat more often but smaller portions, and this allows me to sleep. Got my haircut. Driving and sitting so long was uncomfortable. Went to Nancy & Sue's to hang, was nice to see everyone plus Liam and doggies. Chinese Food for Sue's bday. I had miso soup, minus seaweed and tofu. I would have LOVED an eggroll or lo mein or rice -- or anything really. And man did it smell good. But I persevered. (Kept remembering dietician saying that eating ANYTHING could cause staples to burst, and I really don't want that to happen.) Came home and bought sugar free popsicles as a treat. Long way from Ben & Jerry's as a treat! Figured out that I was taking too much B-12 which was causing pain/tingling in hands which was interrupting sleep.
Sunday. DeeDee visited, so nice to just chill and talk and catch up. Then Nate and Stacey visited. Played Uno and colored and ate lunch. Took walk to Starbucks. Picked up homemade broth from Deborah, Charlotte painted my toes again (pink with silver sparkles on big toes.) Broth is soooooo yummy!!! Overdid it a bit yesterday driving, haircut, in Medfield so one of my incisions is sore. Feels good if I put a little pressure on it. Washed to make sure wasn't infected. Went to CVS to get supplies, talked to pharmacist who looked at it, said it looked fine, recommended tying long-sleeve shirt around my waist to provide a bit of compression. Felt really good! DeeDee is worried I might lose so much weight I won't stop -- ha ha!
Monday. 20 lbs down! Haven't weighed this in 2 years. Feels hard to believe that I've lost that much. Worked all day from home. Feel really good. Still a little bit hard to sit for long time so kept shirt tied. Worked from couch with legs extended. I am HUNGRY today. HUNGRY. Not head hunger, but stomach hunger. I swear my stomach is growling. Is that possible? I honestly don't know. Tomorrow is nutrition group where I'll find out what I can eat in next stage, so that will be interesting. I want a piece of chicken, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, spinach soufflé -- just something semi-real. (Wouldn't mind a muffin either.) Friday I get stitches out (assuming everything is ok.)
My bathroom floor revelation of this week is how amazing the body is. Two weeks ago I was high as a kite and bleeding internally, panicking and puking and miserable. One week ago I was laying on the bathroom floor miserable and had a bruise the size of a man's foot on my stomach. Today, my bruise is practically gone, I'm going to bed in a few minutes and going to work tomorrow, and feeling pretty darn good.
Ok, so that's a recap of the past 2 weeks. All posts won't be this long, promise. I think writing this will help me focus on my goal, my journey (ha ha), my progress. And hopefully when I don't feel as good or positive as I do, re-reading this will help get me through.
I am not doing the classic "before" photos. And you probably won't see my stomach again. Maybe you'll see some photos this summer, we'll see. I'm really not focusing on how I look, but instead how I feel in my body, in my clothes, and in my head.
P.S. It is 10:15, my stomach was rumbling, I had 5 bites of sf pudding, feel good. I guess this is what it is like when people share a pint of Ben & Jerry's, or God forbid eat 1/2 and put the rest back!
Anyway, surgery was 2 weeks ago -- Tuesday, May 26, 2015. Same day Sue had an important doctor appointment, but I won't go into that because it's her story to tell, not mine. I focused so much time and energy worrying about freaking out before and during surgery, and I was fine (thank you wonderful team and wonderful drugs.) But I forgot to worry about freaking out after surgery. Boy, Tuesday night wasn't pretty. The phrase "caged-animal" was used more than once. Thank God for Stacey for being such a kind, patient, understanding, amazing friend. I never could have done it without her. And Thank God for Sue. Even the nurse told Sue she couldn't have handled me without Sue!
Ever since I was a little girl Sue has provided protection and comfort, and when I was in the midst of panicking & throwing up, the only one I wanted was Sue. And she was there, rubbing my back, telling my to breath, telling me it would be ok. Love you Sue.
I was scheduled to go home on Wednesday the 27th, but developed internal bleeding so ended up staying until Friday the 29th. High red blood count and low white blood count. Constant tests, change of meds, iron pills. Trying to avoid transfusion or more surgery.Despite the nurses constantly commenting that I had the only room in the hospital with a view of the Charles River, four nights in the hospital stinks. I think I was ok with staying Wednesday night, but think I cried Thursday when then said "one more night." (Stacey was there at this point, I think, so she can fact check me!)
Here's what I remember from the Hospital:
1. Panic attacks. Big time. These seem to be a new thing in the past year. Annoying. Embarrassing. Jeesh.
2. Sue. Stacey. Deborah. Grace. Nancy. Marisa. I couldn't ask for more caring, wonderful, patient, supportive sisters and friends.
3. Nurses rock. Seriously. I never got it. Now I do.
4. I didn't realize how nice it was to have someone sitting there when you fall asleep and still there when you wake up. Get that now, too.
5. Oxy. Some highs, some lows. Lots of slurred words, lost memories, and crazy texts. At least I didn't drunk-text work or old boyfriends! Oxy, we are never, ever, ever getting back together.
Friday wonderful sister Nancy arrived at the Hospital to bring me home, fill and organize lots of Rxs, buy an emergency fan due to a/c not working at home, and provide general safety, TLC and back rubbing when panic attack 2 (or 3?) of the journey set in because when doctor wouldn't fill anxiety medicine. Even slept on lumpy couch listening to annoying sounds of city traffic. Today I began "eating" -- 24 ounces of water, crystal light or jello. 24 ounces of clear broth, protein shake, or yogurt.
Saturday is really a blur. Blame it on the Oxy. I do remember Marisa visiting. Possibly Grace. Possibly Stacey. Possibly others. Yikes.
Sunday. Not pretty. Charlotte painted my toes. Jen & Bill delivered cute goodies. Grace was here. So were Stacey and Deb. Many caregivers conferenced and agreed it wasn't safe for me to stay home alone (with my friend Oxy) so sisters brought me to parents for safekeeping.
Monday. Wilmington. Joanie hurt her back, so I delivered breakfast and lunch in bed, changed her ice packs, made dinner for Franko, and began weaning off Oxy. Many crazy texts to friends.
Tuesday. One week since surgery. Lost 14 lbs -- hard to believe. In Wilmington. More ice for Joanie, though she was feeling better. Sat through a looonggg dinner and ate too much tomato soup. Horrible night trying to sleep or get comfortable. Listened to meditation 3 times. Prayed a few times. Laid on the bathroom floor for a few hours, realized that this is what over-eating feels like (hell). Wish I could say something dramatic like I flushed the oxy this night, but we will save that scene for when Sandra Bullock plays me in 7 nights of Oxy. I took a video at 4:30am of the birds chirping and the sun coming up. Slept for a few hours, then Joanie drove me to Wellesley to meet sisters at therapy. If I can last 90 minutes in a car during rush hour traffic with Joanie on just Tylenol, I can do anything. Even worked a few hours from home.
Wednesday. Therapy with sisters and Hila. Often emotional but we always get through it. Worked from home a few hours. Walked around condo a bit. Feel good but have a HUGE bruise on my stomach. Oh, and Jell-O is delicious!Thursday was so nice to be home. My own bed. Worked some. Walked around some. Facetimed with Liam. Hard to get comfortable, hard to sleep. Lots of pills to manage. Thanks to Grace for visiting and taking out my trash. :) Thanks to Dave for visiting and hanging out.
Friday. Worked some. Still hard to get comfortable. Eating and drinking really doesn't seem to be a big deal with the eating/drinking. Not much nausea. Not particularly hard to swallow.
Saturday. Happy Birthday Sue! Slept 10pm - 8am. Feel like a new woman!!! Figured out that I was eating too much at one time, need to eat more often but smaller portions, and this allows me to sleep. Got my haircut. Driving and sitting so long was uncomfortable. Went to Nancy & Sue's to hang, was nice to see everyone plus Liam and doggies. Chinese Food for Sue's bday. I had miso soup, minus seaweed and tofu. I would have LOVED an eggroll or lo mein or rice -- or anything really. And man did it smell good. But I persevered. (Kept remembering dietician saying that eating ANYTHING could cause staples to burst, and I really don't want that to happen.) Came home and bought sugar free popsicles as a treat. Long way from Ben & Jerry's as a treat! Figured out that I was taking too much B-12 which was causing pain/tingling in hands which was interrupting sleep.
Sunday. DeeDee visited, so nice to just chill and talk and catch up. Then Nate and Stacey visited. Played Uno and colored and ate lunch. Took walk to Starbucks. Picked up homemade broth from Deborah, Charlotte painted my toes again (pink with silver sparkles on big toes.) Broth is soooooo yummy!!! Overdid it a bit yesterday driving, haircut, in Medfield so one of my incisions is sore. Feels good if I put a little pressure on it. Washed to make sure wasn't infected. Went to CVS to get supplies, talked to pharmacist who looked at it, said it looked fine, recommended tying long-sleeve shirt around my waist to provide a bit of compression. Felt really good! DeeDee is worried I might lose so much weight I won't stop -- ha ha!
Monday. 20 lbs down! Haven't weighed this in 2 years. Feels hard to believe that I've lost that much. Worked all day from home. Feel really good. Still a little bit hard to sit for long time so kept shirt tied. Worked from couch with legs extended. I am HUNGRY today. HUNGRY. Not head hunger, but stomach hunger. I swear my stomach is growling. Is that possible? I honestly don't know. Tomorrow is nutrition group where I'll find out what I can eat in next stage, so that will be interesting. I want a piece of chicken, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, spinach soufflé -- just something semi-real. (Wouldn't mind a muffin either.) Friday I get stitches out (assuming everything is ok.)
My bathroom floor revelation of this week is how amazing the body is. Two weeks ago I was high as a kite and bleeding internally, panicking and puking and miserable. One week ago I was laying on the bathroom floor miserable and had a bruise the size of a man's foot on my stomach. Today, my bruise is practically gone, I'm going to bed in a few minutes and going to work tomorrow, and feeling pretty darn good.
Ok, so that's a recap of the past 2 weeks. All posts won't be this long, promise. I think writing this will help me focus on my goal, my journey (ha ha), my progress. And hopefully when I don't feel as good or positive as I do, re-reading this will help get me through.
I am not doing the classic "before" photos. And you probably won't see my stomach again. Maybe you'll see some photos this summer, we'll see. I'm really not focusing on how I look, but instead how I feel in my body, in my clothes, and in my head.
P.S. It is 10:15, my stomach was rumbling, I had 5 bites of sf pudding, feel good. I guess this is what it is like when people share a pint of Ben & Jerry's, or God forbid eat 1/2 and put the rest back!
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