Time flies

Yikes, it's been 6 weeks since I posted. Holy cow. Some ups, some downs, all in all pretty good.

Christmas was nice. No family drama so that's a plus. Did ok with holiday parties and festivities. Saw Star Wars twice opening weekend which was really fun. Bought a fitbit after Thanksgiving and did pretty well increasing my daily steps from 1,000 to about 7,500 on average. Getting to 10,000 takes serious work! A few times I ended the day by walking around the neighborhood or up and down the halls in my condo to get to the 10,000 mark! I was doing well until early January.

I had a couple of gallbladder attacks over the past two months. The first one I thought was food poisoning. The second one was on the plane home from Ireland, and I thought it was just back pain. That night, I had another one and as I was googling my symptoms I figured it out (also Nancy had the same issue and she had surgery right before Thanksgiving, so that helped me figure it out.) The pain is really, really bad -- end up on the floor, not able to sit still so uncomfortable, contemplate calling an ambulance, etc. I went to the doctor, had an ultrasound, and found that I had gallstones. Apparently they are not uncommon when someone has rapid weight loss. So, I had surgery January 5.

I wasn't nervous about the surgery, but was very nervous about the post-op (we all know how that went down.) Fortunately, with a lot of support from Nancy and Sue, and a lot of advocating with nurses and doctors, and a lot of self-talk, I did fine. The anesthesiologist gave me one less drug than I received during the last surgery, and I think that really helped. Also coming home after surgery rather than staying over. And just knowing what to expect. I didn't want to take any oxy (probably never will), so got Vicodin instead, and only took 1, used Tylenol instead. I was out of work the day of the surgery and the next, then back to work. Had the typical back pain from the gas that everyone experiences, but nothing too bad. Till Saturday, that is! That morning I had the worst attack I've ever had -- seriously, a 10 on the pain scale -- thankfully I had the Vicodin and ice packs. Talked to the surgeon and apparently it's common to have this type of pain as the gas leaves your body but your organs are still inflamed. Lovely. Had a second attack that night, but a 5 on the scale. I ate very little over the weekend, just oatmeal and berries on Sunday and Monday. Finally on Tuesday I'm hungry and feel good. Phew, not fun, but not as bad as the weight loss surgery!!

What else...oh, 65lbs down. Yay. I am hoping to be at 70 by end of February, maybe 75. When I saw the surgeon a few days before gallbladder surgery (it was the same surgeon who did the weight loss surgery), she was pleased with my progress, said that the first 6 months are the rapid loss, but then the loss should continue for another 6 months. So, at this point, I feel confident that I'll get to 80lbs, hopefully even 90. I feel good and feel good in my clothes. I bought several sweaters on Ebay in November to get me through the winter, and bought a few things on sale after the holidays. I will need all new spring clothes though, that's for sure.

I had dinner with Jen and Bill and Brett and Fletch in the North End last night. I ordered a glass of wine, mostly to be social, and had a few sips. It just doesn't appeal to me. Not that it tastes bad, but it doesn't taste good either. It's hard to explain. I had a delicious chicken, broccoli ziti meal and ate all the broccoli and some of the chicken and a little ziti. Oh, and a nice piece of bread. And a biscotti. Ok, clearly I am eating more than I was 4 months ago, but nothing like I would have a year ago! I was just about to type, "I probably shouldn't have eaten the bread" but then I caught myself -- it's fine I ate the bread. It was crusty and yummy. I wanted it, I ate it, I enjoyed it. But my brain is different -- I didn't even think about eating a second piece. And I stopped eating the main course when I was full. And I only ordered the biscotti because we went out for dessert and everyone ordered canollis and I was being social (not that anyone had to force me to eat it!) It feels good to have a more balanced approach to eating, so that's good. But it's not quite as enjoyable as it used to be -- I guess I just don't get as much pleasure out of eating as I used to. It feels more like a chore, something I have to do, than anything else. Weird I know.

Someone at work today asked me if I was losing too much weight -- ha! Imagine that! I honestly would have to lose 100+ to feel like that was even in the realm of possibilities, but I sure didn't mind the question.

Half empty or half full

In general, the vast majority of people who have commented on my weight loss have been very positive and complimentary. And who doesn't love a compliment, right? But two people have made comments that I'm still obsessing over.

"Congratulations...I hope you keep it off." WTF!!!???

When someone gets a job, do you say, "Congratulations, I hope you don't get fired."

Or at a wedding, "Congratulations, I hope you don't get divorced."

Or running a marathon, "Congratulations, I hope you finish."

Yes, keeping the weight off will take focus and a commitment. This isn't a magic pill and I will always need to work at it. Just like work and marriage and pretty much anything else positive it life.

Ok, rant over.

Trending down

Geesh, it's been 5 weeks since I posted.

I had a big stall back mid-November, but just tried to stick with the protein, water, vitamins routine and was able to power through.

The trip to Ireland for Thanksgiving was kind of stressful, but again, I focused on protein, brought turkey jerky with me for snacks, and just did the best I could. I did eat way more sugar than I usually would, but also walked a lot more than usual, so ended up losing 1 lb on the trip. :)

I'm at 56lbs as of today, which I'm totally fine with. I keep reminding myself that my goal was to lose 50 by xmas, so if I can get to 60 by then, I will be really happy.

And I'm really trying to focus on the little things that remind me that my body is changing.  In Ireland, I went one day to the same bar I had gone to on my trip in 2013 (O'Neils, great pub in Maynooth center.) Well, the last time I went, the chair was very uncomfortably tight on my butt & thighs (lovely visual, I know.) This time, I sat right down with room to spare. I hadn't even thought about it till I sat down, and then I was like, "Hey! Wow! This is great!" So that was nice.

The other thing was when I went to get dressed for work yesterday. These are my wide-width boots that I bought a few years ago. They were too big last month too, but now I can fit my entire hand in. So apparently my weight loss is everywhere, which is pretty cool.

 



I am so glad I had the surgery and would highly recommend it to anyone. My only wish is that I had done it sooner. I'd like to lose 24 more lbs (80lbs total), which will put me in size 12 clothes.

I really should start walking more to try and speed up the loss...let's see if I can focus on that this month!  I just ordered a fitbit (yay Jen, fitbit, yay!), so that should help motivate me - though I will never, ever come close to Jen or Christin!!

50 lbs!

Huge milestone today! 50lbs down in just over 4 months. WOW.

That's the equivalent of 2 car tires. Or a bag of potatoes. Or 10 bags of sugar. Or two toddlers. A medium size dog. TSA luggage maximum for checked luggage is 50 pounds.

 

I've been trying not to have goals of X pounds by X date, just taking it day by day, but in the back of my mind I was hoping/thinking 50 by end of 2015 and 80 by end of February. So far so good!

Yesterday I put on my boots to wear with a dress, zipped them up, and the calves are too big! These are wide-width calf boots (probably shocking to Jen that such a thing exists), and now they are too big. I mean, I can wear them, but I can also fit my whole hand inside rather than having them snug when zipping them up. Yay.

I also think of Jen when I eat now (Hi Jen!) Not that I try to eat like Jen, but I find that I do eat like Jen. Yesterday I had lunch with a donor, had a chop salad with salmon, and was done and still had half left, so took it home. The woman I was with finished hers till her plate was clean (not that there is anything wrong with that), but it just reminded me that I definitely would have finished it all a year ago. I then had a 3:00 meeting in Acton with someone who owns an ice-cream & chocolate store. He was eager to give me something to eat, so I got 1 scoop of ice-cream, it was good, I ate some, but then threw the rest away. As I was throwing it away, I thought to myself, "Who am I?"

The best part of the surgery is that I eat when I am hungry. This really doesn't feel like deprivation or "trying" or "willpower." I just feel full much sooner, and am able to stop eating even if it is something I like -- I don't over eat just because it is good.

Yay for me.


11 months

Last September is when my doctor and I started seriously talking about weight loss surgery. I had to do a lot of thinking and researching, and also had to take care of a lot of medical issues to make sure it would be covered by insurance. A chest CT scan to make sure I didn't have any cardiac risk factors wasn't too bad. Getting caught up on mammogram & "female" stuff is always lovely. Passing an Upper GI to eliminate risk of leaks or obstructions was disgusting and awful.

By November I was ready to learn more, so attended an introductory session at MGH weight center on November 19. Maybe I will count that as my one year anniversary to starting this journey? Here I learned that my options were bypass or sleeve -- basically no one does the lap band anymore. I remember that the most amazing thing to me was how the surgeon who was presenting, as well as all of the other staff, approached this all as a medical issue to be treated, just like diabetes or MS or anything else. There was no talk of willpower or guilt or shame. They talked a lot about genetic factors being just as important, if not more important, than how we eat. It is such a different mindset from all of the other weight loss programs I've tried in 40+ years. Even the name -- weight center -- focuses on weight, not weight loss.

They sure know what they are doing! Before surgery, I saw a psychologist twice, a nutritionist twice, had 3 nutrition group meetings, and two meetings with the surgeon. I think they really want to make sure people are up for the challenge, and I imagine people must drop out at every stage along the way.

Since surgery I have seen the surgeon once, my PCP once, and the nutritionist once. I started the Lifestyle Group this week. We meet every other week for 4 weeks, and I guess the goal is to set people up to maintain their weight loss. I learned that there are receptors that line the stomach that send a message to the brain telling it when you are full. For some reason (I'm not sure), it only takes a little bit of food to activate those receptors now, which is partly why I can't eat that much. The stomach doesn't stretch back out, but eventually, it takes more food to activate the receptors, which is why I will eventually eat a whole plate of food. Interesting.  The trick is to get used to eating more fruits and veggies now, so that when I do have a full plate, I don't eat crap.

 Last night I had dinner with an old boss who I love. I had 1/2 glass of wine and a Caesar salad with tuna shashimi on it, and brought 1/2 home. Much better decision than last weekend's tuna debacle. Though I did enjoy a few of her French fries!

4 months

Today is 4 months since my surgery. I've lost 47 pounds -- 7 of those in the past month. I will be so excited to hit 50. I feel really proud that I've made this change and I'm sticking with it. The funny thing is that I've been eating a little bit more non-traditional diet foods, and I think it has helped kick up the weight loss this month. I had McDonald's cheeseburger one night when I was going home late and didn't have any food at home. I had a burger and fries at the movies Friday night. I even had Ben & Jerry's ice-cream one night. BUT, the difference is a cheeseburger vs. Big Mac (and no fries.) At the movies, 1/2 a burger and 1/2 the fries -- not because I was "on a diet" but because I was full and didn't want to eat anymore. I threw away 2/3 of the ice cream -- again because I was full and didn't want anymore. So maybe adding some fat and calories back to my diet is a good thing?

I went shopping twice this week, and it was fun! For the past few years I've been mainly doing online shopping -- ordering stuff, keeping what I liked, returning what I didn't. It was more of a chore than something fun. Twice this week I had extra time on my hands so went shopping, and actually enjoyed it. I bought a gorgeous baby blue soft blazer that I absolutely love (plus 2 shirts and a necklace!).  It is a good feeling knowing that I can browse and not be afraid to try it on and look at myself in the mirror. (I will wear it next time we have dinner, Jen!)

Last night I had an interesting experience that I'm still thinking about. I went to Capital Grille with N, S, and L. I have had tuna here before and it is great, so I was looking forward to it. I asked the waitress if I could get tuna on the Caesar salad, and she said sure. I could have the dinner portion or the bar portion. I ordered the dinner portion, and ate about 1/3. Afterwards, I kept thinking, "why did I order the dinner portion? I know I can't eat that much." I took it home, but I wasn't thinking about taking it home when I ordered it. All I can think was that it was my old brain ordering -- thinking that the smaller portion wouldn't be enough, I wouldn't get enough, I would still be hungry if I ordered the small portion. My new brain gave in to my old brain. But why? Maybe I was focused on the stress with S so wasn't focused on ordering. Maybe I was comparing what everyone else was eating (apps, steak, sides, dessert) to what I was eating. I don't know, but it was really interesting.

The good thing is that I had 1/2 glass of wine, 1/3 tuna steak, a little salad, and I was full. I thought for a few seconds about having part of their app, but I did then realize I wouldn't be able to eat my dinner. I stopped eating when I was full so didn't overeat and make myself sick. And we had a fun time. So, it's all good, just interesting. 

Yay to 4 months.

What not to wear & GwennieBee

My latest problem is what to wear to work.

Lots of people were away in July and August, so I could get by with sundresses, capri pants and tee shirts. But now that it is September and more meetings with donors, I need to be less casual and more professional. I had a meeting at Tufts University with the legal team and planned on wearing my tan linen suit. Well, that morning I went to get dressed and I looked like a little kid playing dress up in their mom's closet.

Fortunately, I had ordered 3 pairs of pants from Talbots 2 weeks ago, so I pulled those out. When the pants arrived in the mail, I tried then on and they were a tinsy bit snug. Not really tight, but just that place where if  gained 5 lbs, they would have been too tight. Pre-surgery me would never had kept them. I tend to like clothes on the loose side -- all the better to hide in. And pre-surgery me would always be thinking, "well, if I gain..." I really had to tell myself, "you're not going to gain, you are going to lose, keep the pants." So, I kept them. Having faith in the fact I will keep losing, not gaining, is a complete mind shift. Yay.

So, I grabbed a pair of new pants and put the tan suit in the give-away pile. Guess what? Too big! It seems I am losing my hips. I could fit my hands inside the pants on both sides. Yay. But also Ugh.

These 3 new pants are my only pants in my closet, so I had to wear them. But all day I was like, "Shit, now I can't even wear these pants!" I made it through the week with sundresses, then went shopping yesterday. I had to try on a lot of styles and sizes, but ended up with 2 black and 1 pair. Phew. I have gone down 4 sizes since May 27. Even I can admit that's pretty amazing. :) (Though I don't feel comfortable enough sharing what the sizes are just yet, we will see if I ever get to that point.)

My shirts are also too big. Again, I tend to wear them on the bigger size, and it's hard mentally to feel comfortable going down. But I've gone down 2 sizes, and have had to buy a few shirts to get me through till we I pull out the fall sweaters. I am now wearing bras that are 6 inches smaller than I was wearing in May -- no wonder my shirts are too big!

Jen/Whitney had recommended a website where you basically "rent" clothes -- kind of like Netflix for clothes -- instead of spending money on things I'll probably only wear for 6 weeks. I looked on the site two different times, and just didn't find a lot that I liked. And with the challenge of finding the right fit for my body, I decided to go ahead and spend the money. And all summer stuff is on sale now, so all of the shirts I have bought have been super cheap, and the pants aren't too bad. I also got a couple of dresses on sale.

It seems like every 10-15lbs = the need for a size down, so I think that should take me till end of November. Which also means I am thinking I'll be at 60lbs by end of the year (originally I was thinking 50 by end of 2015, but I feel comfortable saying 60 now.) That means I should be 70 by March 1, which would be great too. (Could be more, but trying not to focus too much on the number, but more on how I feel.)

So how do I feel? I feel good. I have more energy. My allergies are much better (weird, I know.) I'm drinking tons of water, taking my vitamins, doing my weights a few nights a week. Eating is still a challenge -- well, always thinking about food is a challenge. What am I going to eat? What do I need to bring with me? What are they going to have? What do I need to buy? Those are the thoughts that occupy my mind (along with what am I going to wear, but I got that one answered for now.) I still focus primarily on protein, these days I'm eating greek yogurt with added blueberries or raspberries, shashimi, shrimp dumplings steamed, chicken, turkey breast from deli, scrambled eggs, quinoa, shrimp. But I am really trying to eat more veggies (cucumbers, zucchini) and fruit (raspberries and blueberries.) I could do better. :)